Turning 30

growing up, mature, old, 30

I know I’ve only been 30 for about 17 days, 10 hours and 45 minutes, however, I think that gives me a little authority on the subject.

Everybody tells you that it isn’t bad turning 30. In fact, they go one step further and say it’s like any other birthday. That’s a boldface lie. It’s slightly different because now you happen your an official adult. No more milestone birthdays to make transition through decades easier. Ethan Hawke, Growing up, old, 30

All jokes aside though turning 30 wasn’t as bad as I had envisioned. It was totally fine. If your definition is crying at weird moments throughout the weekend then it was totally fine. Not only did I cry during “Sing Street”, I cried at dinner, I cried after dinner before bed, I cried the following morning and I’m sure I cried some more. I’m placing blame on the new moon and Saturn’s retrograde.

New Lessons: Things I Learned In My 20s

  1. It’s going to hurt. You will cry. It’s an excuse to buy shoes. Don’t let heartbreak harden your heart. Just because you like that person today, doesn’t mean you will in a few months. Have fun but try with caution. If you happen to find your soul mate, good for you. Every failed relationship is a way to look at yourself and see what it is you want and how to go about seeking it in positive ways.

    gretchen weiners, mean girls, love, relationship,turning 30, growing up
    Gretchen was actually really fetch about this
  2. You have to fail just once at something. If you fail, “Dust yourself off and try again.” -Aaliyah. Failure is one of the greatest teachers we can learn from. I’ve had my share of failures and it took a long time to finally come to a place where I’m okay with them. Without those failures, I don’t think I’d appreciate the lessons I’ve learned in the past few years. Check your ego at the door. patrick dempsey, can't buy me love, amanda petersen, 80s, movies, love, paula abdul
  3. The family you choose is a wonderful thing. People come into your life at particular moment, sometimes they leave at particular moments. As you grow older, you want people in your group that are supportive, have similar ideals as yourself. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. It’s not satisfying. Some of these friends, you’ve shared tough and happy times with. Don’t take them for granted.
  4. Time waits for no one. It’s precious. Learn it. Live it. Love it. No, I mean that. If people want to throw their bad energy into the harmony your trying to create, it’s really okay to walk away from those situations. You are in charge of your life and happiness. Your boss was fine before your arrival and he’ll be fine after your departure. However, if it comes to friendships, you should grow a set of balls and learn to talk about the issues before throwing away friendships. Communicate before you eradicate.

    Lo Bosworth, Lauren Conrad, Laguna Beach, The hills, crying, get over it, growing up, 30s
    Really though?
  5. You start to appreciate yourself more than you thought you did. Spending time alone doesn’t bother you as much. Learning new hobbies actually seems like a fun idea. In an ideal world, the more we knew who we are and the more we love ourselves, the more you start to live life.
      Jasmine guy, school daze, spike lee, fingers snapping, 30s, growing oldI know myself!
  6. You never stop learning. People are always evolving. You come to a point where you realize, nobody really knows how to do this called “Adulting.” It’s just everybody trying to find their own path and dealing with the bumps along the way.
    Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, heathers, 80s, growing up, 30
    This is life.

    In essence, it’s not bad turning 30. A little scary because no two paths are alike. Keep making new mistakes, living when you can, creating memories and you’ll move forward.

    Nothing a sheet mask and a glass of wine can’t fix, right?

Being Pretty Isn’t Easy

It’s funny, of course when I started this blog I wanted to talk about street fashion and all fun things like that. Well, it’s really hard to have a street fashion blog when you work a bajillion hours a week.I decided that I would gear focus on just things that I truly know about and stay true to my personality. Fashion is one of them, music is another and life is another. There’s a point to this…..just trust me.

Believe In You
Believe In You

One of the hardest things that I think people in life go through is taking criticism. Whether it be from friends, family or a boss, it’s always hard to take what someone thinks about the best foot that we put out there and learn from that. I’m the first to admit, while I appreciate a bit of constructive criticism, depending on the delivery, I become a baby. I act like a 2-year-old child and IMPLODE! I always take it 10x worst then I should and assume that I’ve messed up in the worst way possible. “I can’t redeem myself!” “What have I done?!” “Did I make you mad?” “Do you hate me?!”  It’s really only natural and everybody has dealt with this at some stage in their life. You can lie all you want and say it’s not true but trust me it is. I’m getting to the point…..just trust me.

I have a lot of growing up to do in certain aspects(Oh Em Gee, I may look like I’m totally together but I sneeze and burp too!)  

I love this quote
I love this quote

Last week, I learned a lesson in humbling myself. Looking back at the experience, I feel good about it. I wish it had happened in other ways then this way but shit happens.

I am always willing to take on a task. A lot of the time, I succeed and do something good. I just go for it. I get gung-ho and just try my hardest. I try not to ask because even though it’s not a sign of weakness, I don’t want to be viewed as not knowing something when I should.

My thought process was in the right frame of mind. I was going about it the right way but I messed up. However I didn’t find this out til later which made the hurt sting 4x worse than it should have. I was given the situation in the opposite way which didn’t help

The situation was given to me as if I was the most untalented person on the face of the earth and should get  banished to the barren desert of Australia to live with the dingoes and aborigines(I said I have a lot of growing up to do)however, I just sulked.

Don't Let This Happen To You
Don’t Let This Happen To You

Going home, throwing myself on the bed and falling asleep in the most dramatic fashion cause that’s what I do. Woke up the next day and was still dramatic. Went and got myself a 5 scoop sundae with extra peanut butter and extra hot fudge. I asked for an extra peanut butter cup but clearly she didn’t hear me. I think I was dramatic some more and then the next day was out of my stupor of dramatics.

Ask for help when you need to
Ask for help when you need to

Somehow, I brought the subject up and got a conversation starting with my peers that were knowledgeable on the subject. It got a conversation started and I realized that it’s ok to ask sometimes. It’s ok to not know the answers. I’m in a stage in life where I’m not going to know the answers, I’ll never know the answers to everything. I learn and grow but I have to be receptive to that. When you are receptive to what those around you say, you put your best self out there.

Naomi Campbell Wished Me A Happy Birthday….

If somebody told me that I would be sitting in a Dodge Caravan while eating McDonald’s listening to Quiet Storm radio with a guy named Ramon driving me from Boston to Framingham while going from May 5 to May 6. I would have said “No, you’re crazy!!”

When you can't get into the club...get McDonald's
When you can’t get into the club…get McDonald’s

Did I mention that I was crying hysterically while eating a Quarter Pounder, 4 piece nuggets, large and medium fry with a sweet tea? Well, I was!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRAE!!!!

My BFF Naomi wished me a happy birthday on Twitter
My BFF Naomi wished me a happy birthday on Twitter

I feel as though since turning 25, every birthday has been nothing but a failure of epic proportions. However, i can look back it at and laugh but it’s still annoying. It all started with a trip that was supposed to be but didn’t happen. Then when the trip was going to work out, It ended up being for the better that I didn’t go(Did I learn responsibility?). How I regret taking the responsible road!

I tried a beer
I tried a beer

My birthday fell on an a Monday which sucked. Totally fucktarded. I spent it with a friend of mine, who totally dropped the meal that he cooked for me. He seemed to have forgotten it was my birthday. So what did I end up eating? Sweet potato fries and JP Licks Ice Cream. I did however the next day at work get a really good and delicious Peanut Butter Ganache or something another from my coworkers….thanks Ini. I did TREAT MYSELF to a good french toast breakfast at Francesca’s.


Fast Forward to the weekend. I knew that nobody could go out because it was Mother’s Day. That was fine. The next weekend was CONTROVERSY. You know the night that caused me to enter the Twerk Contest. I made an invite on Facebook.

I was absolutely positively estastic. I went to the local store that carries tons of fake hair cause sometimes a brotha just wants to put some weave in his hairline.Excitement through my veins!!! Let’s talk about the epic proportion of fail that this was. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TWERK!!!! I actually was practicing in my living room how to do get on my forearms and do it upside down. I practiced when I could. Saturday comes around and do you think we went. NOPE! 5 people responded. Don’t act like you didn’t see the Facebook invite. Thankfully, I have some friends that are nice enough to actually call and say that they couldn’t go. Maybe I’m being a baby about it. Well I am because turning 21 for the 6th time sucks. I feel old. I look old(just kidding….Thanks Botox…not I’m kidding I don’t look old….apparently biege don’t crack). I wanted to see my friends for more than just a coffee at Starbucks or something.

However, it wasn’t a complete bust.Went to work the next day and while I should have went home and did homework,Tyler convinced me to go see Pornochio.A Gold Dust Orphans play,  a local theatre company based out of Boston. I like their plays so it wasn’t like a complete twist of the arms. It was hysterical. It’s their sexualized version of Pinocchio……and the girl who played Pinnochio was so flipping cute!!


  • Didn’t go to Tampa or Miami but went to NYC for a night
  • Didn’t go dancing for my birthday but saw a play instead
  • Crying in a cab at Midnight eating McDonald’s because I couldn’t get into the club because I wasn’t wearing a collared shirt…Well Mr.Bouncer tell me where will I find such shirt at 11:50pm
  • Got into an argument on Mother’s Day and the day after because I wasn’t feeling special at home for my birthday
  • Didn’t do dinner with friends but Bianca bought me lunch from one of my favorite spots
  • I learned responsibility and that SUCKED

This was my birthday month and it sucked…..*fingers crossed* 28 is gonna be SUPER!!!

Disparate Youth…….Santigold Nights(Pt. 2)

With Your Friends/ Santigold
With Your Friends/ Santigold (Photo credit: Chlobot)

Don’t look ahead, there’s stormy weather
Another roadblock in our way
But if we go, we go together
Our hands are tied here if we stay

Oh, we said our dreams will carry us
And if they don’t fly we will run
Now we push right past to find out
Oh, how to win what they all lost

A few months ago, I was listening to Santigold‘s “Disparate Youth”, the song spoke to me then and it’s speaking me again. The impending May 6th, is closer than I think. 27 isn’t a big birthday by any means, yes it’s another year that has passed but it’s all a symbol of ways that I need to have experiences that will help in my quest of adulthood.

Lately, I’ve felt really stifled with my creative processes in almost every aspect. I feel that my growth hasn’t had the room for growth that is needed to go forth and that’s not a good feeling. A lot of the times I think and believe that its me just that needs validation so I find an excuse as to why I CAN’T do something. It sometimes it works and lately I’m finding there are many flaws in using that as a crutch.

I’ve found a creative group of people and that’s awesome. I truly love what each and everyone brings to the table and we are able to learn new things to help us in our future collaborations. Do you think it’s enough to satisfy me? No. I need more. I have supportive family & friends that like the ideas that I’m trying to put forth. Do you think that’s enough to satisfy me? No. What’s the next step? Where does one go from this feeling?

I realized that I no longer am I content with not pursuing my dreams. If I fail and fall, God has given me two hands and two feet to pick myself back up and carry myself back to the path. NO EXCUSE NOT TRY. The reason that this song spoke to me again is because I have so many wonderful people in my life that have just gone for the dream of whatever they were pursuing, yet I still haven’t. It’s scary to think that one day your on a swing set with friends and the next day in a brand new arena without those friends but that’s what life is about. You can’t stifle yourself, you’ll be miserable and make everyone miserable around you. Everybody thinks that I’m crazy and to give it some time, i understand where they are coming from. The more time I give things, the more I feel locked in and feel that I’ll miss my opportunity.

I keep waiting around for the that special person that I’ve been madly in love with for years to tell me that they feel the same, however truly I realize that if I keep waiting by the phone for that text, I’ll miss out on other great experiences or probably the person that is the truly the one that I love. The list on what is out there for me to experience is endless but I’ll never know unless I go out there and make a path for myself. Whether I come back or don’t…..well that’s for fate to decide…..but I know that I don’t start now, I’ve created a destiny for myself that I’m not truly going to find a happy in with and I think the latter is worse…….

2013: You Better Be The Year For Me

Let’s Make The Most Of Our Night Like We’re Gonna Die Young

Christmas was good this year. Didn’t get to actually do the semi-surprise getaway that I had planned for because of work but that’s ok. MGM Grand is there next year, right? It actually worked out because I ended up feeling really sick and slept from 6:30 Christmas Eve until 3 on Christmas Day. Sometimes your body just needs it. However, we were able to get last minute reservations at Ceres Bistro at The Beechwood Hotel in Worcester, Ma, was a really good meal actually. The staff was great, the food was great. I’ll definitely be going back again for brunch. I actually liked how the restaurant is curved like the hotel, so you have really nice views, especially in the summertime.

Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel
Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel

Seriously, Ke$ha I couldn’t agree with that statement more. It seems like every year since 2010 has just been a shitty year, one right after the other. Not even a break to give me a second to breathe! Granted, I’ve met some really great people and have had some great experiences in this time frame but not a stellar year that is like “Wow, you’ve made the right decisions!” Granted, there has been a lot of wrong decisions in there, I’m sure of it but I just have that luck where one wrong decision turns into a lifetime of bad decisions. I’m praying, hoping, needing, wanting for 2013 to justify all the shitty years prior.

I understand that life happens and those experiences make you a stronger person. What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, I mean if Kelly Clarkson is singing that tune then it’s obviously true…..*insert eyeroll* but no really, it’s true, right? I think that 2013 needs to be the year for me in a sense. Despite coming off as an extremely self involved person, which I’m actually not if people took the time to actually get to really know me, but then maybe that’s my fault because I don’t let people get to know me because I don’t have time for BULLSHIT. Although, bullshit seems to follow me around wherever I go. Maybe this is the year that I move out, move away and forget about this awful city. Well, it’s not awful, I just need a break from it. I need a new appreciation for other cities and then to come back to appreciate this city.

On a daily basis, I feel as though I’m becoming more and more of a person that I’m not. The only thing that really makes me happy is music and friends. Good music and good friends are all you can really ask for in life.

I wish all my friends nothing but happiness in 2013. 2012 was one of the shittiest years around and I wish so hard to forget it. As Danielle Staub says “Love and Light”


A Memory Isn’t A Thousand Words…….

It’s truly a memory and we’re suppose to cherish that moment!

For some reason this year, maybe it’s because the end of the year is coming to a close but I am finding myself reminiscing of the New Year Eve’s parties that I used to attend in middle school at a fellow classmates house. Matt used to throw awesome parties, our middle school was small so it was easy enough to pretty much invite everyone. Everyone got a long that went, it was nice. We thought we were pretty bad-ass, we would walk to the high school near his house, walk to the grocery store, go back to his house, stay up late and it was just innocent fun.

Unfortunately, as we have gotten older, we’ve all have lost touch with each other. The middle school was small and I bet you I could name all the children in the middle school from the 6th grade to 8th grade, BOTH YEARS!!!!! That I attended anyways. My best friend Kelly at the time of middle school and I was practically inseparable, we hung out, she introduced me to her friends outside of the school and we were “The Cool Kids” in our school…..despite the fact that the 8th grade graduating class was only like 8 of us total, WE OWNED IT. Out of the blue today, I saw a Facebook message from her and I wasn’t sure if it was typical Facebook spam but I opened it. This is what I saw:

Kelly and Andrae
Kelly and Andrae

When I saw this picture, I burst out into laughter. I looked so young, she looked so young. I remember all the fun times that we all had in middle school. I remember the mean things we did to classmates, the jokes, the times we all sort of fought, it brought back a youthful innocent. Definitely more than a 1000 words, the feeling that I feel as I write this is just one of happiness. You don’t realize until you look back at a picture how much people mean to you or even how much certain people made such a lasting impression on your life. The really crazy thing, I haven’t seen any of the kids from middle school since I graduated and went to my first year of high school. OH MY GOD!!!, I just realized that I started high school in 2000!!! That makes it that much of a real thing to me, 12 years have gone by. That’s crazy, however everyone seems  fine which is the important thing. Maybe one day we’ll have that New Covenant Christian School reunion. I believe the school is now defunct, but the memories will stay for sure.

I don’t know why I started thinking about those parties at Matt’s house lately, I think in part that those were the best NYE’s that I’ve ever had. Togetherness in a setting that wasn’t overwhelming. As we grow older, we realize what’s important to us. I realized that I truly love every friend that I have ever had, they mean so much to me, whether you seem them all the time or too much, they’re your friends. When seeing this picture I laughed out loud cause I remember I was at Kelly’s house and we looked at Abercrombie catalogs together when we were actually supposed to be making a gingerbread house….Oops! Show me a picture of me in 9th grade, 10th grade, 11th grade, etc…..I can recite those memories like the credit card and in vivid detail. Life’s amazing like that and you have to cherish it. One day you realize……



Cause There’s Beauty In The Breakdown……

I didn’t see the movie Garden State, primarily for the reason of my dislike for Zach Braff. However, I’ve heard this song “Let Go” by Frou Frou on many occasions. For some reason, on Tuesday night, I randomly heard it again. It caught my attention in a weird way, then last night when listening to the song, it just really took me by surprise in the most intense way. Have you ever had a song just do that to you? You don’t understand why but it just speaks to you on so many levels and you are ok with that?

That’s what this song did. I’m able to find emotion in music. I’m at that weird point in life at the moment where I’m going forward, yet I still feel far behind. I’m ready for that change but I’m scared to take it. I’m scared to just jump into it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it “I hate change” but watching those around me go forward it makes me realize that I’ll never know unless I do it. It’s ok to be scared, that is one of the things that makes it fun. If you aren’t scared, nervous, or excited there’s no point in it. You won’t learn a lesson from it, am I right? It seems like I’m really leaving this retrograde state and growing up. Back on track, which is good. Leaving the old behind and going forward with the new. I think that’s what this song is really all about.

Now I kind of want to see Garden State, just to see if I envisioned this song correctly.

Ain’t Nothing But A SophistiRatchet……..Ya Dig?!…….

Ratchet: A socket wrench used to socket wrench things together

Ratchet: A diva, who is usually from the hood or the ghetto of an urban city. Despite not being the candy of every man’s eye, she thinks she is. She is loud, wears offensive clothing and hair as well jewelry. She might even have a GRILL. 

SophistiRatchet: A woman that is intelligent. She is gifted in academics, she is social and knows about the world things in life. Great etiquette but at a moments notice pop her gluteus maximus to the latest 2Chainz song.

These are the definitions to “Ratchet Phenomena” that is the word of daily life at the moment. Is it a compliment or is an insult? Who actually aspires to this level of ghettoness? Is it actually a curse? Like I want to know…

“That is so RATCHET! Tell me more?!”

Well, clearly if Beyoncè is on board with “Sophistiratchet” it’s a bad thing in the making to be honest. I love me some Beyoncè, but that girl fell off the ghetto tree. Not only did she hit every branch on the way down, the trunk of the tree got out of the ground and smacked her hard in the head. So I know better than to accept a trend that she is pushing….”A sophistiratchet woman knows when she must be sophisticated and when it’s totally appropriate to be ratchet”  That just screams undercover ghetto. Why can’t you just be sophisticated and have fun? Why do you need to be this loud, ghetto, hot mess with bad vernacular that everybody wants to not be around? Nobody wants to be around a hot mess from the hood. At least in the Northeast, we don’t.  Why would a person especially a woman want to portray herself in this manner?

It seems like an oxymoron that one would have the ability to possess both of these qualities. I personally don’t think this applies to many groups of people except for those that come from the worst of families and backgrounds but then come up out of a situation. You know the Boughetto type of people(personal opinion) cause I for one do not know anyone is who is ratchet or sophstiratchet and if I did, I’d probably pass judgment. That is just because it’s easier to judge what you don’t know.


I find myself asking questions like “Is this the result of taking the person out of the hood but not being able to take the hood out of the person?” I say person because both men and women can be ratchet. Some might say ratchet is just the 2012 definition of ghetto but I believe” Ghetto” and “Ratchet” are two different terms.

I blame Reality TV for this problem(I love Reality TV) but when you have women trying to say they are members of elite society and then turn around just to throw a chair at someone because of a funny look, it creates the mindset in the viewer that this ok to act like that.

Epitome of SophistiRatchet

Personally, if I were a heterosexual male I would prefer that the lady in my life not act like this. Throwing bottles of wine at her friends one minute cause she is mad at them and in blink of an eye going to the boardroom meeting to be that “Boss Bitch”. That’s kind of scary and seems like a multiple personality disorder if you were to ask me. KEEP IT GUTTA GUTTA! KEEP IT TRILL BABY! 

I dunno….there are a lot of questions and answers I’m sure as to why someone would want to consider themselves “Sophistiratchet”  I mean I guess it’s about as cool as when black girls were going to school with rattail combs in their. Remember that trend? It was awful, it was stupid. Oh to go back to high school and relive all those stupid trends.

Oh well, one will never know…but all I know is if anybody ever called me SOPHISTIRATCHET….I have a question for you….

Can I slap you across the face right now?

Anyways, I’m done. Have a good day and remember just be yourself. Love yourself and be you!



Cause All Them Bitches Ratchet…….

I be trippin’, I be flippin’ I be so belligerent

It all comes, down to this…….and I’m about to explain in…..5….4….3….2….1!
So what I need for you to do is explain “Open Relationships”. I really don’t understand it to be quite honest. The appeal of it says “I tell you that I love you but at the same time you aren’t my everything.” I’ve always viewed as you are good enough in almost every capacity but yet I’m not fulfilled so I seek it elsewhere. While some people it works for it, I don’t see it working for me, EVER!!!  

Here’s the questions that I ask: When is it actually an open relationship? When is it actually cheating? How do you take an open relationship to the next level of commitment? Before you start off saying….”You’re just some bitter single gay man!’….Fuck is on your biscuit?!…because I’m not….I’m actually really trying to understand and open my eyes to what seems to be the next new thing. I mean if it is working for you and you are able to make it work…I applaud you in all seriousness because it’s something I wouldn’t be able to do.

It probably stems from my own issues with jealousy….will I ever work them out? Probably not, that’s the one type of sharing I can’t honestly see myself actually letting myself do. Life is too short to always have to wonder about the cat you let outside to play and the type of fleas that he could bring back. I mean, aside from the possible emotional damage that it can cause over time, does anybody really think about the potential physical side effects if someone isn’t honest. With the invention of the internet comes the availability to get a piece of ass faster than a waiting for your Boar’s Head Peppercorn Turkey at the local deli, so imagine how fast it is for someone to lie and give you something you’ll remember them by for a life time. NO THANK YOU GIRL!  I’m not trying to sway views or opinions…I just wanna know. I’m not saying that I haven’t used the internet to be a little bit of a Hoe Hopping Herbert but I’m just saying…if I were going to use it for my “open relationship” that dog better come with all of the papers from the vet!…..Honey, Dre Dre don’t want or need to be going to get a Distemper Shot…WOOF WOOF WOOF!!

So if you can get past that….I want to know…..if you are in an open relationship, are there rules for cheating? What constitutes as cheating at this point? I mean you’ve already basically have said “Have your cake honey and eat that cake too…and while your at it….Have some of his cake too!….Need a napkin?” Am I right?!  I would imagine that it  would be harder to define cheating at this point and you would probably end up in a game of back n forth…he said, she said…..kind of annoying and not my cup of Blood Orange Tea in the morning.


Please….Explain! I’m waiting! 5…4….3….2…FUCK IT..1…..So before I let you explain..I’m gonna tell you why I am not a jump off piece! I’m sure that I have hooked up with someone in my past and maybe even at times knowingly in the PAST…hooked up with someone or whatever  and they had someone waiting at home for them. I regret it with all my heart….I truly do. It’s the worst feeling to be cheated on, or even the worst feeling to know that you aren’t good enough to satisfy someone as a whole so they feel the need to “seek” someone else to fulfill that capacity. As I get older now and realize what it is I want for my future relationships and what I don’t want…it saddens me to think that people are leaving monogamy and going for ratchet open door policy relationships….because let me tell you….the next fucker who decides he wants to cheat on me….Heaven forbid it isn’t the man who I call my husband cause I would hate to have to blow up his car, clothes, house and kids like Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale….but don’t ever underestimate a black boy scorned. Life is just too short to always have to wonder about these things. It’s scary that I think like this and I’m only 26….but at the same time……gotta learn to find happiness in your life without counting on other people. Gotta learn to do the things in life that you love, enjoy the people that matter most to you while they are in your life. Nothing last forever cause time ain’t forever!

So if you fancy an Open Door Relationship Policy….I applaud that and if you actually make it work….4 for you Glen Coco. If you prefer a Cat Doesn’t Go Out To Play Policy……I applaud that as well….4 for you Glen Coco again….Be Happy. Be Free.Be Safe…Don’t be Ratchet!


It May Be False…It May Be True…..

But Nothing Has Been Proved

d(._.)b “Nothing Has Been Proved” by Dusty Springfield

The past few months of my life have really been an eye opening experience. I’ll learn a lesson from things that were good, I’ll learn a lesson from things that were bad. Life is a learning experience and if you don’t talk anything from it then you aren’t open to growing as a person. That maybe harsh but it’s true.

I know I say this quite a bit but I wish someone had prepared me for “Life In Your Twenty’s”. I probably would have made certain decisions wiser. It’s frustrating in some ways to know that you were one extremely mature person in all aspects and then to doubt and question who you are as a person. However, those mistakes led to good and positive things. Although, lately I feel as though I’m on a bad Karma streak. I hate to say this because I’m not insensitive but “Everybody Sees Me As A Bitch Get Over It”……

When I say “Bitch”, I don’t mean it in the derogatory term. I mean it as an term of endearment. So I got off on a tangent….RED THREAD.  If you know me in real life or if you read my tweets or we’re friends on Facebook….you realize that I’m mature in a lot of ways…but I also get easily distracted…..well and I didn’t look well for her birthday NOR am I buying her a present. The best present to give a Christian is a bottle of Christian or you can give a Christian the Power of Christ to break up that witchs coven…RED THREAD. That was a prime example of being easily distracted.

I’m not perfect…nor did I ever claim to be. I’ve never claimed to have my shit together. I’m human. I feel like I was going in the right direction but then something happened. It’s kind of annoying because I know how I used to be during situations, I know what I’ve gone through. Even though I try, I can’t let go of things in the past that I’ve let subconsciously effect me. I try and I work really hard at it but sometimes I lack consistency, something that I am working on for next time.

I’ve really learned a few things about myself that I want to work on changing. I hate who I’ve become but I love who I am. When I look in the mirror, I recognize you and at the same time I don’t feel as though I know who you are? I never wanted to be the “BITCHY GAY BLACK GUY” role, it just sort of happened in my circle of friends. How do you transition from that role into that next role? Is there role after that? Will it measure up the same? Beside the point, I hate the role that I’ve fallen into in a lot of ways but sometimes it’s easier to play a role than it is to really let yourself shine through. I toy with this every day of my life, sometimes I feel as though I have an a mild identity crisis but ya know?  I’m not saying that I don’t want to be “Less of a Bitch”…..but I always think…..”What Would They Tell My Mother?” I’m truly not a bitch but I have zero tolerance for bullshit and then my fuse goes off and “5,4,3,2,1 BITCH”

The path to growing up really does include leaving those behind that don’t have the best intentions for you at heart. The ones that you thought you knew yet somewhere down the road, you went right and they turned left. Where does that leave you? Sometimes your left standing there in the middle because your too afraid to take that next step and you just stand there. I’ve learned I have to hold onto my faith and make it happen. I didn’t think I’d hear myself say this again but maybe I do need to go back to church. Maybe I’ve lost touch with things in my mind and created a reality too soothe me instead of dealing with the issues of growing up. Isn’t that growing up realizing it and trying to work on it? Not looking to get a gold star on my cubby but I think it’s something to be proud of.I might have just blamed parents, grandparents or anybody for my actions. That’s not growing up, that’s just not cool. Thank God, I realized this at 21 instead of 26. Next step is learning to drive a car before my next birthday! It’s all an experience and we’re suppose to grow from these experiences.

On a really happy note, Saturday afternoon, “Devon” came into our lives. She’s utterly adorable and super friendly compared to other female cats we’ve had in the past. I think she might be a bit confused about her gender, that’s ok, I’ll still have much love and admiration for my transgendered kitty cat. She’s perfect though, oh yeah she’s bi-racial. She’s black and white, and she coo’s and aahs. She snuggles up on me. She’s adorable and I love the fact that i got to name her Dev-uhn not Dev-ON(my middle name) two separate names, two separate sounds. I just wanna take her with me wherever I go cause she’s so cute with her little cute face.

Ok enough on that but yeah….Growing Up….Stop Being a Bitch…Accepting To Change The Things You Can…..Focusing On Being A Better You…..this is what we’ve got to do. The drama, the nonsense, cut the bullshit.