A single 27 year old gay male………

What the hell?!
What the hell?!

So I might as well just throw it in the back and become a spinster! You know in gay years I might as well be 45. What’s the correct terminology for an old man who is a Cat Lady? When I was younger I thought it would be cool to have been married 7 times. I would have given Liz Taylor a run for her money!! 

Gay men really are hard to gauge when it comes to dating. Whoever tells you otherwise is a goddamn liar and you should run far away from them. Dating is hard enough for anybody but throw in the same sex…10x worse. I guarantee!!!!

Gay speed dating.....I can only imagine
Gay speed dating…..I can only imagine

Dating should not be so hard. It really is something that is fun and that you enjoy doing when you’re in that getting to know some phase, right? We all play games so to sit here and say that I don’t I’d be like. However, I don’t sit there and play the “Oh, I like you today but will ignore you for 3 weeks at a time and call upon you when I’m bored and ready game!” Been there.Done that.Over it!

Why don't you love me?
Why don’t you love me?

So I’ve compiled a few bullet points of what could be the reason why someone could think I’m not the easiest person to date.Disclaimer:Everyone is entitled to their opinions.I’M SUPER EASY TO DATE.I’M NOT A FATAL ATTRACTION LIKE GLENN CLOSE! I think everyone should try it at some point and come up with “faults” as to why you are not dating.It’s a lot of fun and you learn a lot about yourself   other people. Let’s face it there’s nothing wrong with any of us is there?

DATING JUST ISN’T FOR ME:

  1. Am I a bitch? Could people perceive my dry, sarcastic, witty, but very monotone voice as being the bitchy queen that they do not want to get involved with?Note: Quoting Tyra Sánchez “…but I’m not a bitch.I’m America’s sweetheart!” and I could be yours too.
  2. Maybe I’m playing the games that I think I’m not playing and by doing that I’m playing a game and making self seem not available or interested.We’ll I’ve gone past go several times now it’s time to pay up!
  3. Maybe I’m not as cute as I think I am. Maybe the idea in my head and that I see through my eyes isn’t what other people see, which would make me repulsive. Maybe I look like an ogre or some hideous swamp monster who smells like vile nasty swamp water!!! Note:I piss rainbows, shit 24 carat gold glitter while farting Chanel No.5
  4. Maybe guys don’t want a guy that has a big booty. Maybe it implies that I’m some kind of big booty heaux. I can understand.Note: I will quote the famous Rihanna for this “and it’s not even my birthday…I GOT THAT CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE”
  5. The only factor that I would say would the be only reason ever not to date me if I weren’t going to date me would be the fact that I don’t drive. There’s nothing wrong with that, my choice and your choice.Note:That’s a valid reason. 
  6. I guess I could be expensive to keep happy. I don’t mind sitting at home but because we want to not because we have to.Note:”Me and broke n*ggas we don’t get along”
This could be true
This could be true

Guess my point is, I’m kind of bummed out about this guy. Like make some time to see me or at least tell me that you don’t want to keep on hanging. I’m cool with that. I think it’s a waste of time to keep someone strung along.At the end of the day, it don’t matter because I am doing good………

The Truth
The Truth

I Never Stop Myself To Wonder Why…….

You Take My Self, You Take My Self Control

I shouldn’t have had that coffee earlier in the day. It as a trenta iced coffee with a shot of espresso and now I’m paying for it dearly. I can’t sleep and now I’m thinking and that’s not good. When I start thinking, I rant and rant and rant…….Get the picture?

I’m not necessarily ranting in this case, I just can’t believe that I’m stupid enough to continue to fall for these games. I don’t understand why I don’t realize that deep down that I am good enough that I can be  loved by YOU or ANYONE for that matter. When I’m not being a bitch, I’m actually really a great person. I feel as though I keep getting strung along and I am just fed up with it. What about the needs that I have? Why am I on the back burner?

Oh because I’m stupid enough to believe that such and such is happening. Well, you know what such and such hasn’t happened. I’m ready to move on. For so long, despite work schedules, any chance to bask  in your presence, I run and jump to it. I really do. The fact that you don’t realize that and want me to go above and beyond…..What if I don’t get the answer that I’m looking for? I don’t want to get hurt nor waste my time anymore.  I can’t, it’s emotionally wrecking me I feel like. It’s not fair! It really isn’t!

Why do gay men play games? Men play games in general but gay men are notorious for this shit!!! I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want but then don’t actually follow-up on the actions at all. It just seems like bullshit. I don’t. I can’t. It hurts. Do you care?

Some days I wanna tell you to FUCK OFF. Some days I want to tell you I LOVE YOU! Then I realize that I’m just a “Sideline Ho“, “Jump Off”, “Home Wrecker” Everything I didn’t want to have to deal with  in my life at this point. I know what my decision is, do you know yours?

It’s 2013 and it’s time to start looking towards the future in a good way. You can have me? You can lose me? You know that in a heartbeat for the right answer, you can have it all. You know in heartbeat for the wrong answer, you’ll lose it all. Tough decision but honey I know the answer that I want to have.

Dre

2013: You Better Be The Year For Me

Let’s Make The Most Of Our Night Like We’re Gonna Die Young

Christmas was good this year. Didn’t get to actually do the semi-surprise getaway that I had planned for because of work but that’s ok. MGM Grand is there next year, right? It actually worked out because I ended up feeling really sick and slept from 6:30 Christmas Eve until 3 on Christmas Day. Sometimes your body just needs it. However, we were able to get last minute reservations at Ceres Bistro at The Beechwood Hotel in Worcester, Ma, was a really good meal actually. The staff was great, the food was great. I’ll definitely be going back again for brunch. I actually liked how the restaurant is curved like the hotel, so you have really nice views, especially in the summertime.

Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel
Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel

Seriously, Ke$ha I couldn’t agree with that statement more. It seems like every year since 2010 has just been a shitty year, one right after the other. Not even a break to give me a second to breathe! Granted, I’ve met some really great people and have had some great experiences in this time frame but not a stellar year that is like “Wow, you’ve made the right decisions!” Granted, there has been a lot of wrong decisions in there, I’m sure of it but I just have that luck where one wrong decision turns into a lifetime of bad decisions. I’m praying, hoping, needing, wanting for 2013 to justify all the shitty years prior.

I understand that life happens and those experiences make you a stronger person. What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, I mean if Kelly Clarkson is singing that tune then it’s obviously true…..*insert eyeroll* but no really, it’s true, right? I think that 2013 needs to be the year for me in a sense. Despite coming off as an extremely self involved person, which I’m actually not if people took the time to actually get to really know me, but then maybe that’s my fault because I don’t let people get to know me because I don’t have time for BULLSHIT. Although, bullshit seems to follow me around wherever I go. Maybe this is the year that I move out, move away and forget about this awful city. Well, it’s not awful, I just need a break from it. I need a new appreciation for other cities and then to come back to appreciate this city.

On a daily basis, I feel as though I’m becoming more and more of a person that I’m not. The only thing that really makes me happy is music and friends. Good music and good friends are all you can really ask for in life.

I wish all my friends nothing but happiness in 2013. 2012 was one of the shittiest years around and I wish so hard to forget it. As Danielle Staub says “Love and Light”

Dre

It May Be False…It May Be True…..

But Nothing Has Been Proved

d(._.)b “Nothing Has Been Proved” by Dusty Springfield

The past few months of my life have really been an eye opening experience. I’ll learn a lesson from things that were good, I’ll learn a lesson from things that were bad. Life is a learning experience and if you don’t talk anything from it then you aren’t open to growing as a person. That maybe harsh but it’s true.

I know I say this quite a bit but I wish someone had prepared me for “Life In Your Twenty’s”. I probably would have made certain decisions wiser. It’s frustrating in some ways to know that you were one extremely mature person in all aspects and then to doubt and question who you are as a person. However, those mistakes led to good and positive things. Although, lately I feel as though I’m on a bad Karma streak. I hate to say this because I’m not insensitive but “Everybody Sees Me As A Bitch Get Over It”……

When I say “Bitch”, I don’t mean it in the derogatory term. I mean it as an term of endearment. So I got off on a tangent….RED THREAD.  If you know me in real life or if you read my tweets or we’re friends on Facebook….you realize that I’m mature in a lot of ways…but I also get easily distracted…..well and I didn’t look well for her birthday NOR am I buying her a present. The best present to give a Christian is a bottle of Christian or you can give a Christian the Power of Christ to break up that witchs coven…RED THREAD. That was a prime example of being easily distracted.

I’m not perfect…nor did I ever claim to be. I’ve never claimed to have my shit together. I’m human. I feel like I was going in the right direction but then something happened. It’s kind of annoying because I know how I used to be during situations, I know what I’ve gone through. Even though I try, I can’t let go of things in the past that I’ve let subconsciously effect me. I try and I work really hard at it but sometimes I lack consistency, something that I am working on for next time.

I’ve really learned a few things about myself that I want to work on changing. I hate who I’ve become but I love who I am. When I look in the mirror, I recognize you and at the same time I don’t feel as though I know who you are? I never wanted to be the “BITCHY GAY BLACK GUY” role, it just sort of happened in my circle of friends. How do you transition from that role into that next role? Is there role after that? Will it measure up the same? Beside the point, I hate the role that I’ve fallen into in a lot of ways but sometimes it’s easier to play a role than it is to really let yourself shine through. I toy with this every day of my life, sometimes I feel as though I have an a mild identity crisis but ya know?  I’m not saying that I don’t want to be “Less of a Bitch”…..but I always think…..”What Would They Tell My Mother?” I’m truly not a bitch but I have zero tolerance for bullshit and then my fuse goes off and “5,4,3,2,1 BITCH”

The path to growing up really does include leaving those behind that don’t have the best intentions for you at heart. The ones that you thought you knew yet somewhere down the road, you went right and they turned left. Where does that leave you? Sometimes your left standing there in the middle because your too afraid to take that next step and you just stand there. I’ve learned I have to hold onto my faith and make it happen. I didn’t think I’d hear myself say this again but maybe I do need to go back to church. Maybe I’ve lost touch with things in my mind and created a reality too soothe me instead of dealing with the issues of growing up. Isn’t that growing up realizing it and trying to work on it? Not looking to get a gold star on my cubby but I think it’s something to be proud of.I might have just blamed parents, grandparents or anybody for my actions. That’s not growing up, that’s just not cool. Thank God, I realized this at 21 instead of 26. Next step is learning to drive a car before my next birthday! It’s all an experience and we’re suppose to grow from these experiences.

On a really happy note, Saturday afternoon, “Devon” came into our lives. She’s utterly adorable and super friendly compared to other female cats we’ve had in the past. I think she might be a bit confused about her gender, that’s ok, I’ll still have much love and admiration for my transgendered kitty cat. She’s perfect though, oh yeah she’s bi-racial. She’s black and white, and she coo’s and aahs. She snuggles up on me. She’s adorable and I love the fact that i got to name her Dev-uhn not Dev-ON(my middle name) two separate names, two separate sounds. I just wanna take her with me wherever I go cause she’s so cute with her little cute face.

Ok enough on that but yeah….Growing Up….Stop Being a Bitch…Accepting To Change The Things You Can…..Focusing On Being A Better You…..this is what we’ve got to do. The drama, the nonsense, cut the bullshit.

Dre

One Last Option…One Last Chance….One Last Question….

I often times wonder why I keep talking to him. I know that the answer will forever be the same. The results never change. I’m given just enough information to keep hanging on to that glimmer of hope.

At one point in time it was fun to play that game. A game in which you play make believe. When does imagination turn into reality? I realized that the reality I wanted with you is one that I can’t have. Once I experienced it and that would have to be good enough for me.

Recently two people that I cared for deeply at one point in time have decided to make an appearance in my life again. In some ways I was excited and in others disappointed. Both opening wounds that I for sure thought were closed. In my mind, I thought “Maybe this time we can actually be friends!”

In reality, they view me as one thing. Guess no matter how old I really get, I’ll never be viewed as the friend I really wanted to be. The completion in my life that I longed for with these people will never happen. An imagination that I wanted to be a reality.