How Do We Find the Words To Say?

d(._.)b “Goodbye” by Alica Keys

I’m fortunate to have had many experiences in my life, both good and bad. I’ve learned to grow from everything and become a stronger person when I really need to be. I’ve noticed though there is one lesson that I just can’t learn from….AT ALL!!

A few months ago, I was able to make such a big stride in going forward to the next step in life. It hurt more than anybody could imagine. It seemed cold and callous out of nowhere i just said “unfriend”. I thought I was doing the right thing and I was happy(was I?)

Alicia Keys on her first album wrote a song “Goodbye”. For some reason, I always attribute my emotions to certain songs. When I’m happy, I put on the fiercest playlist for music and BAM! I hadn’t listened to this song in almost a year, and I still haven’t really listened to but I know it word for word, note for note as her fingers gracefully play the piano. This song describes my feeling right now.

I wanted for many years to be the object of your affection. The way you made me feel like I’m the best. I never have to pretend with you. We could be sitting in a room and not say anything for hours but when we do, the smile in your eyes makes my heart melt. I’ve said it before and no matter what I love you!

Several of my good friends know our history, the romance, the drama, the hate, the rekindling. It’s a LifeTime miniseries. One of my good friends who really inspired me to take the next step onward in moving forward really gave me food for thought. “I’m only giving you a hard time because I know how hard you’ve tried to break your ties off with him. I only know what you’ve told me on how you feel.”

I don’t even know what I feel. I feel love. I feel hate. I feel sad. I feel happy. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to be your friend. I want to be in your life in some capacity. WHY? Do you feel these things like I do? Everything is usually on your terms. There has never been compromise. I was ok with that! I never asked for anything. I loved you. When things fell apart, I backed off, I needed time. They say time heals all wounds but when you have your first real love and to realize the love isn’t reciprocal is a feeling that never heals.

I always have my wall up, you know just how to take it down brick by brick. You probably have no idea that I feel this way deep down. Which is in part a lot of my fault, I’ve never expressed any of this to you. It definitely is in part of me being afraid. It has taken a lot of learning to get to a level that I know that looking at your eyes wouldn’t melt my heart. Right now, as I sit here, I feel incoherent writing this. You are the only one that has EVER made me feel this way. The ONLY one who can even bring me to this point. WHY? A lot of thoughts racing through my mind as if I were on the Autobahn in a Ferrari full throttle to get to you to have the chance to ask you “Do you care about my feelings?”

Here I am and there you are. Standing here face to face. Sitting side by side. You have your life and I have mine. Let’s just say that someone asked us both how felt about each other. What would you say? Do you care enough about me to be a friend? We’ve gone through so much and I’d like to really know how you feel? Not just what I want to hear…………