I Never Stop Myself To Wonder Why…….

You Take My Self, You Take My Self Control

I shouldn’t have had that coffee earlier in the day. It as a trenta iced coffee with a shot of espresso and now I’m paying for it dearly. I can’t sleep and now I’m thinking and that’s not good. When I start thinking, I rant and rant and rant…….Get the picture?

I’m not necessarily ranting in this case, I just can’t believe that I’m stupid enough to continue to fall for these games. I don’t understand why I don’t realize that deep down that I am good enough that I can be  loved by YOU or ANYONE for that matter. When I’m not being a bitch, I’m actually really a great person. I feel as though I keep getting strung along and I am just fed up with it. What about the needs that I have? Why am I on the back burner?

Oh because I’m stupid enough to believe that such and such is happening. Well, you know what such and such hasn’t happened. I’m ready to move on. For so long, despite work schedules, any chance to bask  in your presence, I run and jump to it. I really do. The fact that you don’t realize that and want me to go above and beyond…..What if I don’t get the answer that I’m looking for? I don’t want to get hurt nor waste my time anymore.  I can’t, it’s emotionally wrecking me I feel like. It’s not fair! It really isn’t!

Why do gay men play games? Men play games in general but gay men are notorious for this shit!!! I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want but then don’t actually follow-up on the actions at all. It just seems like bullshit. I don’t. I can’t. It hurts. Do you care?

Some days I wanna tell you to FUCK OFF. Some days I want to tell you I LOVE YOU! Then I realize that I’m just a “Sideline Ho“, “Jump Off”, “Home Wrecker” Everything I didn’t want to have to deal with  in my life at this point. I know what my decision is, do you know yours?

It’s 2013 and it’s time to start looking towards the future in a good way. You can have me? You can lose me? You know that in a heartbeat for the right answer, you can have it all. You know in heartbeat for the wrong answer, you’ll lose it all. Tough decision but honey I know the answer that I want to have.

Dre