How Do We Find the Words To Say?

d(._.)b “Goodbye” by Alica Keys

I’m fortunate to have had many experiences in my life, both good and bad. I’ve learned to grow from everything and become a stronger person when I really need to be. I’ve noticed though there is one lesson that I just can’t learn from….AT ALL!!

A few months ago, I was able to make such a big stride in going forward to the next step in life. It hurt more than anybody could imagine. It seemed cold and callous out of nowhere i just said “unfriend”. I thought I was doing the right thing and I was happy(was I?)

Alicia Keys on her first album wrote a song “Goodbye”. For some reason, I always attribute my emotions to certain songs. When I’m happy, I put on the fiercest playlist for music and BAM! I hadn’t listened to this song in almost a year, and I still haven’t really listened to but I know it word for word, note for note as her fingers gracefully play the piano. This song describes my feeling right now.

I wanted for many years to be the object of your affection. The way you made me feel like I’m the best. I never have to pretend with you. We could be sitting in a room and not say anything for hours but when we do, the smile in your eyes makes my heart melt. I’ve said it before and no matter what I love you!

Several of my good friends know our history, the romance, the drama, the hate, the rekindling. It’s a LifeTime miniseries. One of my good friends who really inspired me to take the next step onward in moving forward really gave me food for thought. “I’m only giving you a hard time because I know how hard you’ve tried to break your ties off with him. I only know what you’ve told me on how you feel.”

I don’t even know what I feel. I feel love. I feel hate. I feel sad. I feel happy. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to be your friend. I want to be in your life in some capacity. WHY? Do you feel these things like I do? Everything is usually on your terms. There has never been compromise. I was ok with that! I never asked for anything. I loved you. When things fell apart, I backed off, I needed time. They say time heals all wounds but when you have your first real love and to realize the love isn’t reciprocal is a feeling that never heals.

I always have my wall up, you know just how to take it down brick by brick. You probably have no idea that I feel this way deep down. Which is in part a lot of my fault, I’ve never expressed any of this to you. It definitely is in part of me being afraid. It has taken a lot of learning to get to a level that I know that looking at your eyes wouldn’t melt my heart. Right now, as I sit here, I feel incoherent writing this. You are the only one that has EVER made me feel this way. The ONLY one who can even bring me to this point. WHY? A lot of thoughts racing through my mind as if I were on the Autobahn in a Ferrari full throttle to get to you to have the chance to ask you “Do you care about my feelings?”

Here I am and there you are. Standing here face to face. Sitting side by side. You have your life and I have mine. Let’s just say that someone asked us both how felt about each other. What would you say? Do you care enough about me to be a friend? We’ve gone through so much and I’d like to really know how you feel? Not just what I want to hear…………

Usually That Someone Turns Out To Be Me……

“I got to know you now, we may never meet again.I got to know you now and then.” is the chorus to “Know You Now” by the late Amy Winehouse. It’s a short simple song that is very light and leaves the meaning behind the lyrics for interpretation. I tend to over analyze things to the point that it begins to sound foolish.

The meaning I was able to take from this particular song to use in my life: Get to know someone first. You can always sleep with someone later on. Build a meaningful relationship, because meaningful relationships aren’t built on one night stands. However, it’s not always the case when it comes to me.

Usually that someone turns out to be me, unfortunately, I’m a little boy crazy. We all have our vices and flaws, there could be many things worse than being boy crazy, am I right? Sometimes I wonder, did this boy crazy obsession come about because I missed out in high school or college. Nope. Kind of just means I’m a slut….I’m kidding Mom!!!

It’s weird I don’t really ever want to be attached to someone with a title unless I know it’s real. At the same time, I never felt like I would be that twenty-something year old not in a relationship. I haven’t had a relationship in just about 3 years. That isn’t a long time by any means but it’s still pretty long when you factor things in that you can do as a couple.

I like the freedom that being single allows me in a sense. I’m free to date whomever and learn what I like and don’t like. I dislike the behaviors that come from it, such as sleeping around. Romp, Shag, Fuck, Sex, Diddle, etc the list could go on forever, things that I prefer to do in a relationship.

I’m not promiscuous, I believe in monogamy. However, I found myself adapting into these behaviors that were almost downright man whoreish. If I was out on a date, it seemed like nobody really wanted to get to know me, they just wanted to get to know me enough to get in my pants. Not to say I’m not to blame for that as well, because I mean I make decisions but at least wait a few dates. I believe there are other factors that are involved with this as well.

I take a look at most of my friends and they are couples. Couples that have been together since either high school or college. I think also the stand offish attitude of the typical Bostonians definitely doesn’t factor in well. Everyone is trying to either out do the other or just ignore you for other reasons(that’s another blog)!

Weird thing,this guy wanted to date and he asked me if I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship but allow for various sexual partners to be introduced!!!!(Entirely different blog in the making but it’s something to think about)

But back to the real story at hand, being a man whore is far from cute. It’s not rewarding at all, I personally was feeling lost. I wasn’t able to see with clarity on what I actually wanted from a person anymore. One thing I will state: I do not regret any of my experiences. Life is too short to regret anything. Everything in life is a lesson and what you’re willing to comprehend from that lesson is up to you. I try to learn the lesson and better myself. It isn’t always a perfect science, it takes time. Be patient.

It’s really beautiful when a relationship just has simplicity around all the flaws involved

Wah Gwaan Papcaan?

This is just another way to say What’s Up? It’s Jamaican Patois, which is a language that they speak in Jamaica. I learned this phrase from one of my twitter friends Sammy. 

friend  (frnd)

n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
 
There are multiple definitions for this word. I’m fortunate that in my life, I have plenty of people that I can call a friend. Unfortunately, as I get older I realize who my true friends are. There are people I would trust with my life, people I would ride or possibly be seriously injured for…I won’t say ride or die because well if I die and you live, that’s not fair. You get the drift. I actually really love my friends. 
 
I have three types of friends. The classifications are as followed: 
1.Real Life Friends-Friends that I hang out with in life on a regular basis
2. E-Friends or Internet Friends-People that share the same interest in me and if we were in the same geographical area would be friends in real life. The common bond is a social networking platform such as Twitter, Facebook, etc.
3.Acquaintances-People that your merely friends with for appearances. You want to take it to the next level but there is a wall that prevents you from actually allowing a full bond of trust.
 
Lately, I’ve begun to notice that my friends count is dwindling. It hurts in some ways a lot. It’s a reminder to me that things happen for a reason. People are in your life at particular phases for a reason. You learn a lesson. You grow from that lesson. You move on. I never thought I’d grow apart from certain people that I was attached to. It’s sad to think that you could lose that person in the drift forever and a day. I don’t wish these fallen friends any harm, I wish them the most in life. I wish for them the same happiness that I am striving for. I stan for my Kevin and Danielle, and of course my work friends. Work doesn’t count cause that’s like family. I have a new addition to one that I’m beginning to be a really good friend. I give a harm time every chance I get, he puts up with it. Actually, I kind of look up to him in some ways. I genuinely think he’s a great person and he often time gives me really good advice when he least it expects. I know I’m too old to say that I have someone that is a mentor, but I’d say he’s a good mentor. I appreciate that about him. 
 
I come across as being a mean, cold, callous person sometimes. If you can make it past the wall that is built, I’m truly a great friend. I will have your back through thick and thin. 
 
What I really like about my E-Friends is that some of these people I’ve been friends with for almost an eternity it seems! From AOL chat-rooms to Myspace Groups and even meeting some of these people in real life. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to spend as much time as I wanted with my E-Friend Kassie as I wanted to while here, even though she was close, my schedule just didn’t link up. Richard, I’ve been friends with since I was 15-16. The good ole days of AIM, am I right? He knows more about me than I probably know about myself. Then there is Vince and Kevin from the same AOL chat-room and we’re all still friends to this day. Richard I talk to to the most, and Vince and Kevin we chat from time to time and it’s nice. To see the evolution of a person from then to now, it’s really amazing. 
 
With the way social networking and social media has taken off, I’ve been lucky to find a new base of friends based of even more of my unique interest that say some of my best friends might not be into. It’s cool. It’s different and I LIKE IT. 
Acquaintances are the friends that you wanted to be friends with a point because they seemed cool but when you become friends with them you realized that it was a Full on Monet. They are nothing but a hot mess of problems that you want to steer clear of. No point going down that dark  desperate alley. They need more than you can actually give them as a friend. Not worth it. They are merely good for entertainment purposes i.e. going to the club, getting dinner, going to the club and DROPPING THEY ASS BACK AT HOME!
 
I love my friends. They love me and my idiosyncrasies! 

Exposed….

Well…I almost started this sentence out as a lie. I was going to say “I noticed that I started this blog and jumped right in” Well….truth is that’s what I did. I didn’t just now notice it and say “Oh I need to write a blog stating that” There wasn’t a purpose in that, just something that if I didn’t start the blog right away i probably never would have. 

I’d like to start my first Official Blog Post as an About Me! I want you to get to know me and I hope to get to know you as readers. Cliché, yes but it’s the truth. This something I’ve always wanted to do and I figured now was the perfect time. It’s now or never, sink or swim, do or don’t! 

My name is Andrae and I’m a 26 year old gay male from the Boston area by way of Houston! I’ll cut the shit. I’ve spent my entire life growing up here but never actually felt a connection in the sense of this being my home. I love everything NYC, ATLANTA, HOUSTON, SAN DIEGO, LA, etc. Places I’ve always felt a connection to in a sense. I love Boston don’t get me wrong but it’s just not me at the moment. 

I currently work as a junior colorist at one of the top salons in Boston…and probably in the country. I strive for excellence. However, I always wanted to go to school for Fashion Design. I really enjoy the fashion industry as a whole. I remember watching the Style Network, years ago when shows like “Behind the Velvet Ropes with Lauren Ezersky, The Look For Less, FashionTV and Nick Scotti” were on. Growing up, I always admired my grandmother’s sense of style from her bags to shoes to clothes to the way she presented herself. She was very chic and I’ll give it to her now she still is. 

My other big passion is music. Actually, I hold music on the same level as I hold fashion. It is the other element of life that I hold dear to me. My mother grew up around music and I can remember countless times growing up as a kid on a weekend just listening to music from Sade to The Gap Band to Prince to Janet, the list could go on. I have been very lucky to find different aspects of every genre except for country and bluegrass that I can really appreciate. Every genre has a time and place in your life. 

My life is really just beginning, I’m 26 and the world is my oyster. Actually, I hate oysters. The world is my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, my French Fry, my double stuf Oreo, my Chocolate Blizzard with Peanut Butter Cups, my Root Beer Soda with EXTRA ICE, my packet of Salt(I have a love for SALT). I’m making a path for myself in all sorts of directions and if you had asked me 3 years ago, I would have said “It has to be done this way. This way. Not that way” Life is too short to have rules like that, you have to go after what you want. I’m doing just that….I think. 

This is my journey. Fashion is to Music as Adventure is to Life. 

d(._.)b 100 Square Feet by Annekei is the song I’m living to at the moment.

Image

 

It’s the Pleasure Principle

Growing up for some reason I’ve always felt a strange connection to this song. Before truly understanding the meaning of this song, just alone watching the video, I always felt a connection. The excitement of the video, the choreography simple yet so intricate. Something just always resonates and makes me feel so good.

In terms of the meaning of the lyrics, haha I just really figured out the meaning of it. Or what it means to me.

I often times think of the song as being about a person who is sick of the bullshit games that’s being played by the person he or she is involved with. It’s about liberation, freedom, maybe independence!!! It’s a song that speaks on so many different levels that I think that almost anyone can relate too! Plus it’s Janet Jackson….I mean HELLO!!!!

One Last Option…One Last Chance….One Last Question….

I often times wonder why I keep talking to him. I know that the answer will forever be the same. The results never change. I’m given just enough information to keep hanging on to that glimmer of hope.

At one point in time it was fun to play that game. A game in which you play make believe. When does imagination turn into reality? I realized that the reality I wanted with you is one that I can’t have. Once I experienced it and that would have to be good enough for me.

Recently two people that I cared for deeply at one point in time have decided to make an appearance in my life again. In some ways I was excited and in others disappointed. Both opening wounds that I for sure thought were closed. In my mind, I thought “Maybe this time we can actually be friends!”

In reality, they view me as one thing. Guess no matter how old I really get, I’ll never be viewed as the friend I really wanted to be. The completion in my life that I longed for with these people will never happen. An imagination that I wanted to be a reality.