One Last Pair

“One last pair of shoes.”

Nike SB Dunks Concepts
Nike SB Dunks Concepts

The last thing I need is another pair of shoes. I don’t. It’s absurd. However, this pair of shoes is going to symbolize something meaningful. These shoes are going will be the beginning of a new chapter. I’ll actually probably never wear them because of how much they will mean to me.

I’ve often avoided situations where I thought I would fail. An easy wait to protect yourself from the pain that comes with it. I never really felt mediocre until recently. Wondering where this was coming from, I took a hard look at certain things and realized.

You never know if you’re making the right decision. It could be a decision you regret. You never know if it’s the right time. Timing isn’t always key. We all have fears that we have to conquer and it just becomes harder as you get older.

These were the last shoes I decided on purchasing for awhile
These were the last shoes I decided on purchasing for a while

Am I making the best decision? Am I going to be happy? Is it going to be hard? Is it the right time? Who the hell knows because I sure don’t. All I really know is that I’ll have regrets. Regrets eat you alive more than any other feeling.

Don’t Have Regrets.

Turning 30

growing up, mature, old, 30
Truth

I know I’ve only been 30 for about 17 days, 10 hours and 45 minutes, however, I think that gives me a little authority on the subject.

Everybody tells you that it isn’t bad turning 30. In fact, they go one step further and say it’s like any other birthday. That’s a boldface lie. It’s slightly different because now you happen your an official adult. No more milestone birthdays to make transition through decades easier. Ethan Hawke, Growing up, old, 30

All jokes aside though turning 30 wasn’t as bad as I had envisioned. It was totally fine. If your definition is crying at weird moments throughout the weekend then it was totally fine. Not only did I cry during “Sing Street”, I cried at dinner, I cried after dinner before bed, I cried the following morning and I’m sure I cried some more. I’m placing blame on the new moon and Saturn’s retrograde.

New Lessons: Things I Learned In My 20s

  1. It’s going to hurt. You will cry. It’s an excuse to buy shoes. Don’t let heartbreak harden your heart. Just because you like that person today, doesn’t mean you will in a few months. Have fun but try with caution. If you happen to find your soul mate, good for you. Every failed relationship is a way to look at yourself and see what it is you want and how to go about seeking it in positive ways.

    gretchen weiners, mean girls, love, relationship,turning 30, growing up
    Gretchen was actually really fetch about this
  2. You have to fail just once at something. If you fail, “Dust yourself off and try again.” -Aaliyah. Failure is one of the greatest teachers we can learn from. I’ve had my share of failures and it took a long time to finally come to a place where I’m okay with them. Without those failures, I don’t think I’d appreciate the lessons I’ve learned in the past few years. Check your ego at the door. patrick dempsey, can't buy me love, amanda petersen, 80s, movies, love, paula abdul
  3. The family you choose is a wonderful thing. People come into your life at particular moment, sometimes they leave at particular moments. As you grow older, you want people in your group that are supportive, have similar ideals as yourself. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. It’s not satisfying. Some of these friends, you’ve shared tough and happy times with. Don’t take them for granted.
  4. Time waits for no one. It’s precious. Learn it. Live it. Love it. No, I mean that. If people want to throw their bad energy into the harmony your trying to create, it’s really okay to walk away from those situations. You are in charge of your life and happiness. Your boss was fine before your arrival and he’ll be fine after your departure. However, if it comes to friendships, you should grow a set of balls and learn to talk about the issues before throwing away friendships. Communicate before you eradicate.

    Lo Bosworth, Lauren Conrad, Laguna Beach, The hills, crying, get over it, growing up, 30s
    Really though?
  5. You start to appreciate yourself more than you thought you did. Spending time alone doesn’t bother you as much. Learning new hobbies actually seems like a fun idea. In an ideal world, the more we knew who we are and the more we love ourselves, the more you start to live life.
      Jasmine guy, school daze, spike lee, fingers snapping, 30s, growing oldI know myself!
  6. You never stop learning. People are always evolving. You come to a point where you realize, nobody really knows how to do this called “Adulting.” It’s just everybody trying to find their own path and dealing with the bumps along the way.
    Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, heathers, 80s, growing up, 30
    This is life.

    In essence, it’s not bad turning 30. A little scary because no two paths are alike. Keep making new mistakes, living when you can, creating memories and you’ll move forward.

    Nothing a sheet mask and a glass of wine can’t fix, right?

A single 27 year old gay male………

What the hell?!
What the hell?!

So I might as well just throw it in the back and become a spinster! You know in gay years I might as well be 45. What’s the correct terminology for an old man who is a Cat Lady? When I was younger I thought it would be cool to have been married 7 times. I would have given Liz Taylor a run for her money!! 

Gay men really are hard to gauge when it comes to dating. Whoever tells you otherwise is a goddamn liar and you should run far away from them. Dating is hard enough for anybody but throw in the same sex…10x worse. I guarantee!!!!

Gay speed dating.....I can only imagine
Gay speed dating…..I can only imagine

Dating should not be so hard. It really is something that is fun and that you enjoy doing when you’re in that getting to know some phase, right? We all play games so to sit here and say that I don’t I’d be like. However, I don’t sit there and play the “Oh, I like you today but will ignore you for 3 weeks at a time and call upon you when I’m bored and ready game!” Been there.Done that.Over it!

Why don't you love me?
Why don’t you love me?

So I’ve compiled a few bullet points of what could be the reason why someone could think I’m not the easiest person to date.Disclaimer:Everyone is entitled to their opinions.I’M SUPER EASY TO DATE.I’M NOT A FATAL ATTRACTION LIKE GLENN CLOSE! I think everyone should try it at some point and come up with “faults” as to why you are not dating.It’s a lot of fun and you learn a lot about yourself   other people. Let’s face it there’s nothing wrong with any of us is there?

DATING JUST ISN’T FOR ME:

  1. Am I a bitch? Could people perceive my dry, sarcastic, witty, but very monotone voice as being the bitchy queen that they do not want to get involved with?Note: Quoting Tyra Sánchez “…but I’m not a bitch.I’m America’s sweetheart!” and I could be yours too.
  2. Maybe I’m playing the games that I think I’m not playing and by doing that I’m playing a game and making self seem not available or interested.We’ll I’ve gone past go several times now it’s time to pay up!
  3. Maybe I’m not as cute as I think I am. Maybe the idea in my head and that I see through my eyes isn’t what other people see, which would make me repulsive. Maybe I look like an ogre or some hideous swamp monster who smells like vile nasty swamp water!!! Note:I piss rainbows, shit 24 carat gold glitter while farting Chanel No.5
  4. Maybe guys don’t want a guy that has a big booty. Maybe it implies that I’m some kind of big booty heaux. I can understand.Note: I will quote the famous Rihanna for this “and it’s not even my birthday…I GOT THAT CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE”
  5. The only factor that I would say would the be only reason ever not to date me if I weren’t going to date me would be the fact that I don’t drive. There’s nothing wrong with that, my choice and your choice.Note:That’s a valid reason. 
  6. I guess I could be expensive to keep happy. I don’t mind sitting at home but because we want to not because we have to.Note:”Me and broke n*ggas we don’t get along”
This could be true
This could be true

Guess my point is, I’m kind of bummed out about this guy. Like make some time to see me or at least tell me that you don’t want to keep on hanging. I’m cool with that. I think it’s a waste of time to keep someone strung along.At the end of the day, it don’t matter because I am doing good………

The Truth
The Truth

I Never Stop Myself To Wonder Why…….

You Take My Self, You Take My Self Control

I shouldn’t have had that coffee earlier in the day. It as a trenta iced coffee with a shot of espresso and now I’m paying for it dearly. I can’t sleep and now I’m thinking and that’s not good. When I start thinking, I rant and rant and rant…….Get the picture?

I’m not necessarily ranting in this case, I just can’t believe that I’m stupid enough to continue to fall for these games. I don’t understand why I don’t realize that deep down that I am good enough that I can be  loved by YOU or ANYONE for that matter. When I’m not being a bitch, I’m actually really a great person. I feel as though I keep getting strung along and I am just fed up with it. What about the needs that I have? Why am I on the back burner?

Oh because I’m stupid enough to believe that such and such is happening. Well, you know what such and such hasn’t happened. I’m ready to move on. For so long, despite work schedules, any chance to bask  in your presence, I run and jump to it. I really do. The fact that you don’t realize that and want me to go above and beyond…..What if I don’t get the answer that I’m looking for? I don’t want to get hurt nor waste my time anymore.  I can’t, it’s emotionally wrecking me I feel like. It’s not fair! It really isn’t!

Why do gay men play games? Men play games in general but gay men are notorious for this shit!!! I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want but then don’t actually follow-up on the actions at all. It just seems like bullshit. I don’t. I can’t. It hurts. Do you care?

Some days I wanna tell you to FUCK OFF. Some days I want to tell you I LOVE YOU! Then I realize that I’m just a “Sideline Ho“, “Jump Off”, “Home Wrecker” Everything I didn’t want to have to deal with  in my life at this point. I know what my decision is, do you know yours?

It’s 2013 and it’s time to start looking towards the future in a good way. You can have me? You can lose me? You know that in a heartbeat for the right answer, you can have it all. You know in heartbeat for the wrong answer, you’ll lose it all. Tough decision but honey I know the answer that I want to have.

Dre

2013: You Better Be The Year For Me

Let’s Make The Most Of Our Night Like We’re Gonna Die Young

Christmas was good this year. Didn’t get to actually do the semi-surprise getaway that I had planned for because of work but that’s ok. MGM Grand is there next year, right? It actually worked out because I ended up feeling really sick and slept from 6:30 Christmas Eve until 3 on Christmas Day. Sometimes your body just needs it. However, we were able to get last minute reservations at Ceres Bistro at The Beechwood Hotel in Worcester, Ma, was a really good meal actually. The staff was great, the food was great. I’ll definitely be going back again for brunch. I actually liked how the restaurant is curved like the hotel, so you have really nice views, especially in the summertime.

Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel
Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel

Seriously, Ke$ha I couldn’t agree with that statement more. It seems like every year since 2010 has just been a shitty year, one right after the other. Not even a break to give me a second to breathe! Granted, I’ve met some really great people and have had some great experiences in this time frame but not a stellar year that is like “Wow, you’ve made the right decisions!” Granted, there has been a lot of wrong decisions in there, I’m sure of it but I just have that luck where one wrong decision turns into a lifetime of bad decisions. I’m praying, hoping, needing, wanting for 2013 to justify all the shitty years prior.

I understand that life happens and those experiences make you a stronger person. What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, I mean if Kelly Clarkson is singing that tune then it’s obviously true…..*insert eyeroll* but no really, it’s true, right? I think that 2013 needs to be the year for me in a sense. Despite coming off as an extremely self involved person, which I’m actually not if people took the time to actually get to really know me, but then maybe that’s my fault because I don’t let people get to know me because I don’t have time for BULLSHIT. Although, bullshit seems to follow me around wherever I go. Maybe this is the year that I move out, move away and forget about this awful city. Well, it’s not awful, I just need a break from it. I need a new appreciation for other cities and then to come back to appreciate this city.

On a daily basis, I feel as though I’m becoming more and more of a person that I’m not. The only thing that really makes me happy is music and friends. Good music and good friends are all you can really ask for in life.

I wish all my friends nothing but happiness in 2013. 2012 was one of the shittiest years around and I wish so hard to forget it. As Danielle Staub says “Love and Light”

Dre

Cause There’s Beauty In The Breakdown……

I didn’t see the movie Garden State, primarily for the reason of my dislike for Zach Braff. However, I’ve heard this song “Let Go” by Frou Frou on many occasions. For some reason, on Tuesday night, I randomly heard it again. It caught my attention in a weird way, then last night when listening to the song, it just really took me by surprise in the most intense way. Have you ever had a song just do that to you? You don’t understand why but it just speaks to you on so many levels and you are ok with that?

That’s what this song did. I’m able to find emotion in music. I’m at that weird point in life at the moment where I’m going forward, yet I still feel far behind. I’m ready for that change but I’m scared to take it. I’m scared to just jump into it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it “I hate change” but watching those around me go forward it makes me realize that I’ll never know unless I do it. It’s ok to be scared, that is one of the things that makes it fun. If you aren’t scared, nervous, or excited there’s no point in it. You won’t learn a lesson from it, am I right? It seems like I’m really leaving this retrograde state and growing up. Back on track, which is good. Leaving the old behind and going forward with the new. I think that’s what this song is really all about.

Now I kind of want to see Garden State, just to see if I envisioned this song correctly.

Wah Gwaan Papcaan?

This is just another way to say What’s Up? It’s Jamaican Patois, which is a language that they speak in Jamaica. I learned this phrase from one of my twitter friends Sammy. 

friend  (frnd)

n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
 
There are multiple definitions for this word. I’m fortunate that in my life, I have plenty of people that I can call a friend. Unfortunately, as I get older I realize who my true friends are. There are people I would trust with my life, people I would ride or possibly be seriously injured for…I won’t say ride or die because well if I die and you live, that’s not fair. You get the drift. I actually really love my friends. 
 
I have three types of friends. The classifications are as followed: 
1.Real Life Friends-Friends that I hang out with in life on a regular basis
2. E-Friends or Internet Friends-People that share the same interest in me and if we were in the same geographical area would be friends in real life. The common bond is a social networking platform such as Twitter, Facebook, etc.
3.Acquaintances-People that your merely friends with for appearances. You want to take it to the next level but there is a wall that prevents you from actually allowing a full bond of trust.
 
Lately, I’ve begun to notice that my friends count is dwindling. It hurts in some ways a lot. It’s a reminder to me that things happen for a reason. People are in your life at particular phases for a reason. You learn a lesson. You grow from that lesson. You move on. I never thought I’d grow apart from certain people that I was attached to. It’s sad to think that you could lose that person in the drift forever and a day. I don’t wish these fallen friends any harm, I wish them the most in life. I wish for them the same happiness that I am striving for. I stan for my Kevin and Danielle, and of course my work friends. Work doesn’t count cause that’s like family. I have a new addition to one that I’m beginning to be a really good friend. I give a harm time every chance I get, he puts up with it. Actually, I kind of look up to him in some ways. I genuinely think he’s a great person and he often time gives me really good advice when he least it expects. I know I’m too old to say that I have someone that is a mentor, but I’d say he’s a good mentor. I appreciate that about him. 
 
I come across as being a mean, cold, callous person sometimes. If you can make it past the wall that is built, I’m truly a great friend. I will have your back through thick and thin. 
 
What I really like about my E-Friends is that some of these people I’ve been friends with for almost an eternity it seems! From AOL chat-rooms to Myspace Groups and even meeting some of these people in real life. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to spend as much time as I wanted with my E-Friend Kassie as I wanted to while here, even though she was close, my schedule just didn’t link up. Richard, I’ve been friends with since I was 15-16. The good ole days of AIM, am I right? He knows more about me than I probably know about myself. Then there is Vince and Kevin from the same AOL chat-room and we’re all still friends to this day. Richard I talk to to the most, and Vince and Kevin we chat from time to time and it’s nice. To see the evolution of a person from then to now, it’s really amazing. 
 
With the way social networking and social media has taken off, I’ve been lucky to find a new base of friends based of even more of my unique interest that say some of my best friends might not be into. It’s cool. It’s different and I LIKE IT. 
Acquaintances are the friends that you wanted to be friends with a point because they seemed cool but when you become friends with them you realized that it was a Full on Monet. They are nothing but a hot mess of problems that you want to steer clear of. No point going down that dark  desperate alley. They need more than you can actually give them as a friend. Not worth it. They are merely good for entertainment purposes i.e. going to the club, getting dinner, going to the club and DROPPING THEY ASS BACK AT HOME!
 
I love my friends. They love me and my idiosyncrasies! 

One Last Option…One Last Chance….One Last Question….

I often times wonder why I keep talking to him. I know that the answer will forever be the same. The results never change. I’m given just enough information to keep hanging on to that glimmer of hope.

At one point in time it was fun to play that game. A game in which you play make believe. When does imagination turn into reality? I realized that the reality I wanted with you is one that I can’t have. Once I experienced it and that would have to be good enough for me.

Recently two people that I cared for deeply at one point in time have decided to make an appearance in my life again. In some ways I was excited and in others disappointed. Both opening wounds that I for sure thought were closed. In my mind, I thought “Maybe this time we can actually be friends!”

In reality, they view me as one thing. Guess no matter how old I really get, I’ll never be viewed as the friend I really wanted to be. The completion in my life that I longed for with these people will never happen. An imagination that I wanted to be a reality.