“As long as you keep your head to the sky, you can win. Be optimistic”—–Sounds of Blackness
The School of Life essentially is our life course. Adventures in Growing Up is the way we respond, our growth development in this school, our way to relate to others, etc., I could go on about it but I’m hoping you get the idea of it.
Despite being an extremely open person, I’m very closed as well. I share what I share and I share it in vague terms if I share something that is of importance. For some reason I was super emotional this weekend, I don’t know why. I do not even know where it came from but it just kept building up.
One of the things that I’m trying to learn to actually care about ME. Doing things for myself and not because I want to please others is a really hard thing to do. I’ve always wanted to make sure that those around me are happy, and if that meant not doing what I wanted or expressing how I felt, then that’s ok because they are happy. Well, that’s not healthy.
I noticed that I’m sleeping with the light on a lot lately. It’s weird. I view not turning the light off as being able to not have closure or the ability to let go. Weird, right? Think about it. Let it simmer. If the sun were to stay on 24 hours a day, you wouldn’t know when the next day began unless you were at a clock. Same concept, you don’t have to end things, just let it stay continuously going.
Speaking of letting go, I did just that. *sigh* I’ve known for quite some time, probably years that holding on to things is a way of comfort. Everybody does it. So i’m choosing to let go once and for all. I’m fine with it. I am moving on. Letting go…..it’s going to take some time but I’m going to let go.
“I’m emotional And I can’t let go I am trying to hold on to you Though it hurts me so Gotta let you know That the love we once shared now is through Say goodbye to you”
The debut song from Carl Thomas with Stacey Dash in the video. First off let me say what a gorgeous track. I didn’t really understand it then. All I really cared about was Stacey Dash in the video and it was a Bad Boy Ent. produced track. Diddy knows how to produce music. There’s a point to my story though. Sit back and hold tight……
Nobody really likes to talk about their emotions too much. It’s a lot for people to process and understand why they feel a certain way about things. Trust me I know. I’m a stuffer. I stuff all my emotions away and put them aside for a rainy day. When that rainy day happens what do I do? Girl, I put them away in a duffel bag, on top of the closet shelf and “FORGET” about them. Um…..OK….Not Healthy!!
I can’t promise you enough how much I’m going to make a point. It’s gonna take a minute to get there but I’m gonna make it. Ready?
Emotions can CONSUME you. In some way, shape or form. Don’t think it won’t happen?
So my emotions tried to consume me. Well, they were pretty close. Being forced to deal with everything that you put away for that rainy day and dealing with all at once. What did I realize? Why is this song lyric relevant?
Looking for self-validation in all the wrongs ways. Looking for self-validation in all the wrong people. There are some people who truly care about you. To them you are their ROAD DAWG. But not everybody has a Beyonce/Blue Ivy relationship. It’s more like Beyonce/LaTavia. That’s ok but you have to look at it and take it for what it’s worth. You can’t push for something that isn’t there or that the other people do not want.
I went for a run after work. All jokes aside I do know how to run. I did cross-country. I used to work out. Although, I should probably invest in a pair of running shoes that are cute. In all seriousness though, I’m trying to work out and bust a sweat. I don’t care if that really hot guy with the beautiful legs, nice chest, great lips, great haircut, nice smile and tattoo of a dream-catcher on his left shoulder is checking me out or not because I’m not checking him out. We’re sweaty and gross. HELLO! If anybody can recommend a good pair of cute running shoes that would be awesome. Oh and a pair of shorts that make the “Bounce To the Ounce” look good….*Wink Wink*
So back to the point. Went for this run and what I was going to do was write down the numbers of people who I used to validate myself through and throw them in the Charles River in a bottle. However, not a good idea because that’s condoning pollution and littering. I don’t do that! Deleting each number out of my phone was a relief. Relieving because I couldn’t remember half the people. I couldn’t remember the last time I talked to them. Anyways, it’s a long winding road to a new me. Self-validation through yourself is the only real validation and the only one that matters.
For many years I looked for validation from others and in the process forgot who I was. That’s a problem. You should never ever underestimate who you are as a person, your self-worth or just who YOU are in general. DO NOT LET OTHERS TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN AND CANNOT DO! When you realize your potential and all that you have going for you, everything that anybody said you CAN’T do is going to seem so secondary.
Incase you wondering what I wore on this run. I had on a really cute white graphic tee. It had this intricate detailing. Grey sweatpant shorts and running shoes. However, exerting energy in a way other than TWERKING or strutting down the street, after 3.5 years is tough. However,we went from Arthur Fielding bridge all the way past Mass Ave to Kenmore. Did a little crossfit and ran back…..and walked and judged other runners…..
I told one of my good friends….well one of my best friends about all the “Growing Up Pains” and it was really nice hearing that while not feeling the same despair that I did, she knew automatically what it is what it was that I was going through. “Forget all the superficial because when your trying to date, make friends, nobody will want to be around you because they’ll see all the shallow things that you make to represent yourself. You’re a good person, you need to realize that and show people the real you.”
I actually appreciate that moment that I shared with her. I always looked up to her in a lot of ways because of her confidence. A true leader in every sense of the word. I admire that in her and all that she’s gone through to come out as a good upstanding friend. Thank you for your words. Thank you to everyone for their words.
Glad to know that I have people who truly care and know the real me……..
It’s funny, of course when I started this blog I wanted to talk about street fashion and all fun things like that. Well, it’s really hard to have a street fashion blog when you work a bajillion hours a week.I decided that I would gear focus on just things that I truly know about and stay true to my personality. Fashion is one of them, music is another and life is another. There’s a point to this…..just trust me.
One of the hardest things that I think people in life go through is taking criticism. Whether it be from friends, family or a boss, it’s always hard to take what someone thinks about the best foot that we put out there and learn from that. I’m the first to admit, while I appreciate a bit of constructive criticism, depending on the delivery, I become a baby. I act like a 2-year-old child and IMPLODE! I always take it 10x worst then I should and assume that I’ve messed up in the worst way possible. “I can’t redeem myself!” “What have I done?!” “Did I make you mad?” “Do you hate me?!” It’s really only natural and everybody has dealt with this at some stage in their life. You can lie all you want and say it’s not true but trust me it is. I’m getting to the point…..just trust me.
I have a lot of growing up to do in certain aspects(Oh Em Gee, I may look like I’m totally together but I sneeze and burp too!)
Last week, I learned a lesson in humbling myself. Looking back at the experience, I feel good about it. I wish it had happened in other ways then this way but shit happens.
I am always willing to take on a task. A lot of the time, I succeed and do something good. I just go for it. I get gung-ho and just try my hardest. I try not to ask because even though it’s not a sign of weakness, I don’t want to be viewed as not knowing something when I should.
My thought process was in the right frame of mind. I was going about it the right way but I messed up. However I didn’t find this out til later which made the hurt sting 4x worse than it should have. I was given the situation in the opposite way which didn’t help
The situation was given to me as if I was the most untalented person on the face of the earth and should get banished to the barren desert of Australia to live with the dingoes and aborigines(I said I have a lot of growing up to do)however, I just sulked.
Going home, throwing myself on the bed and falling asleep in the most dramatic fashion cause that’s what I do. Woke up the next day and was still dramatic. Went and got myself a 5 scoop sundae with extra peanut butter and extra hot fudge. I asked for an extra peanut butter cup but clearly she didn’t hear me. I think I was dramatic some more and then the next day was out of my stupor of dramatics.
Somehow, I brought the subject up and got a conversation starting with my peers that were knowledgeable on the subject. It got a conversation started and I realized that it’s ok to ask sometimes. It’s ok to not know the answers. I’m in a stage in life where I’m not going to know the answers, I’ll never know the answers to everything. I learn and grow but I have to be receptive to that. When you are receptive to what those around you say, you put your best self out there.