The Women At The Pool Are So Miserable………

“I’m emotional
And I can’t let go
I am trying to hold on to you
Though it hurts me so
Gotta let you know
That the love we once shared now is through
Say goodbye to you” 

The debut song from Carl Thomas with Stacey Dash in the video. First off let me say what a gorgeous track. I didn’t really understand it then. All I really cared about was Stacey Dash in the video and it was a Bad Boy Ent. produced track. Diddy knows how to produce music. There’s a point to my story though. Sit back and hold tight……

Er'thang Marc Jacobs......and all for a whopping $68
Er’thang Marc Jacobs……and all for a whopping $68

Nobody really likes to talk about their emotions too much. It’s a lot for people to process and understand why they feel a certain way about things. Trust me I know. I’m a stuffer. I stuff all my emotions away and put them aside for a rainy day. When that rainy day happens what do I do? Girl, I put them away in a duffel bag, on top of the closet shelf and “FORGET” about them. Um…..OK….Not Healthy!!

I can’t promise you enough how much I’m going to make a point. It’s gonna take a minute to get there but I’m gonna make it. Ready?

Emotions can CONSUME you. In some way, shape or form. Don’t think it won’t happen?

So my emotions tried to consume me. Well, they were pretty close. Being forced to deal with everything that you put away for that rainy day and dealing with all at once. What did I realize? Why is this song lyric relevant?

You know she says this something that has been said on more than one occasion?
We all know it and think it

Looking for self-validation in all the wrongs ways. Looking for self-validation in all the wrong people. There are some people who truly care about you. To them you are their ROAD DAWG. But not everybody has a Beyonce/Blue Ivy relationship. It’s more like Beyonce/LaTavia. That’s ok but you have to look at it and take it for what it’s worth. You can’t push for something that isn’t there or that the other people do not want.

I went for a run after work. All jokes aside I do know how to run. I did cross-country. I used to work out. Although, I should probably invest in a pair of running shoes that are cute. In all seriousness though, I’m trying to work out and bust a sweat. I don’t care if that really hot guy with the beautiful legs, nice chest, great lips, great haircut, nice smile and tattoo of a dream-catcher on his left shoulder is checking me out or not because I’m not checking him out. We’re sweaty and gross. HELLO! If anybody can recommend a good pair of cute running shoes that would be awesome. Oh and a pair of shorts that make the “Bounce To the Ounce” look good….*Wink Wink*


Validate your own ticket
Validate your own ticket

So back to the point. Went for this run and what I was going to do was write down the numbers of people who I used to validate myself through and throw them in the Charles River in a bottle. However, not a good idea because that’s condoning pollution and littering. I don’t do that!  Deleting each number out of my phone was a relief. Relieving because I couldn’t remember half the people. I couldn’t remember the last time I talked to them. Anyways, it’s a long winding road to a new me. Self-validation through yourself is the only real validation and the only one that matters. 

For many years I looked for validation from others and in the process forgot who I was. That’s a problem. You should never ever underestimate who you are as a person, your self-worth or just who YOU are in general. DO NOT LET OTHERS TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN AND CANNOT DO! When you realize your potential and all that you have going for you, everything that anybody said you CAN’T do is going to seem so secondary. 

Incase you wondering what I wore on this run. I had on a really cute white graphic tee. It had this intricate detailing. Grey sweatpant shorts and running shoes. However, exerting energy in a way other than TWERKING or strutting down the street, after 3.5 years is tough. However,we went from Arthur Fielding bridge all the way past Mass Ave to Kenmore. Did a little crossfit and ran back…..and walked and judged other runners…..

I told one of my good friends….well one of my best friends about all the “Growing Up Pains” and it was really nice hearing that while not feeling the same despair that I did, she knew automatically what it is what it was that I was going through. “Forget all the superficial because when your trying to date, make friends, nobody will want to be around you because they’ll see all the shallow things that you make to represent yourself. You’re a good person, you need to realize that and show people the real you.” 

I actually appreciate that moment that I shared with her. I always looked up to her in a lot of ways because of her confidence. A true leader in every sense of the word. I admire that in her and all that she’s gone through to come out as a good upstanding friend. Thank you for your words. Thank you to everyone for their words.

Glad to know that I have people who truly care and know the real me……..


There’s Something About…….

Ever meet someone who was just amazingly nice all around? Who could find a friend in everybody? It’s truly one of those beautiful rare phenomenons in the world.I wish I was like that sometimes.  As we become ultra consumed in our own lives and become more and more superficialized(I know this isn’t a legitimate word but I make up words all the time) we forget to take in the people around us and appreciate them for who they are.

I truly never thought I’d find myself in a place like this. A feeling like this. A thought like this. Becoming lost in oneself is one of the scariest things that you can realize has happened to you. Some of us are able to find ourselves with no problems while some of encounter bumps along the way. Does it make you a bad person? Of course not!

Each and everyone is unique and a lot of time I think that we forget that. It’s easy too. You have to take the time to remember what makes you and how special you are.

We’re all a work in a progress. Our goals and dreams in life are different. What’s so bad about that? There’s always a rainbow…..

What Do Rainbows Mean To You?
What Do Rainbows Mean To You?

d(._.)b Hudson Mohawke-Tell Me What You Want From Me


It May Be False…It May Be True…..

But Nothing Has Been Proved

d(._.)b “Nothing Has Been Proved” by Dusty Springfield

The past few months of my life have really been an eye opening experience. I’ll learn a lesson from things that were good, I’ll learn a lesson from things that were bad. Life is a learning experience and if you don’t talk anything from it then you aren’t open to growing as a person. That maybe harsh but it’s true.

I know I say this quite a bit but I wish someone had prepared me for “Life In Your Twenty’s”. I probably would have made certain decisions wiser. It’s frustrating in some ways to know that you were one extremely mature person in all aspects and then to doubt and question who you are as a person. However, those mistakes led to good and positive things. Although, lately I feel as though I’m on a bad Karma streak. I hate to say this because I’m not insensitive but “Everybody Sees Me As A Bitch Get Over It”……

When I say “Bitch”, I don’t mean it in the derogatory term. I mean it as an term of endearment. So I got off on a tangent….RED THREAD.  If you know me in real life or if you read my tweets or we’re friends on Facebook….you realize that I’m mature in a lot of ways…but I also get easily distracted…..well and I didn’t look well for her birthday NOR am I buying her a present. The best present to give a Christian is a bottle of Christian or you can give a Christian the Power of Christ to break up that witchs coven…RED THREAD. That was a prime example of being easily distracted.

I’m not perfect…nor did I ever claim to be. I’ve never claimed to have my shit together. I’m human. I feel like I was going in the right direction but then something happened. It’s kind of annoying because I know how I used to be during situations, I know what I’ve gone through. Even though I try, I can’t let go of things in the past that I’ve let subconsciously effect me. I try and I work really hard at it but sometimes I lack consistency, something that I am working on for next time.

I’ve really learned a few things about myself that I want to work on changing. I hate who I’ve become but I love who I am. When I look in the mirror, I recognize you and at the same time I don’t feel as though I know who you are? I never wanted to be the “BITCHY GAY BLACK GUY” role, it just sort of happened in my circle of friends. How do you transition from that role into that next role? Is there role after that? Will it measure up the same? Beside the point, I hate the role that I’ve fallen into in a lot of ways but sometimes it’s easier to play a role than it is to really let yourself shine through. I toy with this every day of my life, sometimes I feel as though I have an a mild identity crisis but ya know?  I’m not saying that I don’t want to be “Less of a Bitch”…..but I always think…..”What Would They Tell My Mother?” I’m truly not a bitch but I have zero tolerance for bullshit and then my fuse goes off and “5,4,3,2,1 BITCH”

The path to growing up really does include leaving those behind that don’t have the best intentions for you at heart. The ones that you thought you knew yet somewhere down the road, you went right and they turned left. Where does that leave you? Sometimes your left standing there in the middle because your too afraid to take that next step and you just stand there. I’ve learned I have to hold onto my faith and make it happen. I didn’t think I’d hear myself say this again but maybe I do need to go back to church. Maybe I’ve lost touch with things in my mind and created a reality too soothe me instead of dealing with the issues of growing up. Isn’t that growing up realizing it and trying to work on it? Not looking to get a gold star on my cubby but I think it’s something to be proud of.I might have just blamed parents, grandparents or anybody for my actions. That’s not growing up, that’s just not cool. Thank God, I realized this at 21 instead of 26. Next step is learning to drive a car before my next birthday! It’s all an experience and we’re suppose to grow from these experiences.

On a really happy note, Saturday afternoon, “Devon” came into our lives. She’s utterly adorable and super friendly compared to other female cats we’ve had in the past. I think she might be a bit confused about her gender, that’s ok, I’ll still have much love and admiration for my transgendered kitty cat. She’s perfect though, oh yeah she’s bi-racial. She’s black and white, and she coo’s and aahs. She snuggles up on me. She’s adorable and I love the fact that i got to name her Dev-uhn not Dev-ON(my middle name) two separate names, two separate sounds. I just wanna take her with me wherever I go cause she’s so cute with her little cute face.

Ok enough on that but yeah….Growing Up….Stop Being a Bitch…Accepting To Change The Things You Can…..Focusing On Being A Better You…..this is what we’ve got to do. The drama, the nonsense, cut the bullshit.