One of my really good friends told me that I should take the month of November and press pause on life. It sounded like such a great idea. I tried to press pause. However, my version of pause is probably not the pause that he was talking about. I think he meant to sit and reflect, turn off all electronics and focus on certain aspects of my life. What I did instead was create my version of pause and that was probably fast forward to the max!
I literally went from New York to Boston to Los Angeles to Boston and back to New York. I went on multiple interviews, met with multiple people in various industries to figure out what it is that I like. I thank the people who I met with so far and appreciate them helping me with this journey of self-discovery. Nothing short of epic. I am so thankful to have been able to catch up with old friends and this past weekend I was able to meet up with a friend of mine that I’ve literally known since we were 16 during the days of aim.
He remembers that we talked on dial-up, I don’t remember it being dial but you never know. It was awesome. It was great. I’ve found a new home and I want it to be Los Angeles. It’s a city that is so different from what I know on the East Coast. I think that it could be great and if not, I can always come home but I’m at an age where I need to take chances. Baby steps are great but sometimes taking a chance is what is going to propel you to the next level in life…….I hate taking pictures but I took some pictures…..
Just a little bit of what I’ve been up to since November. I can’t wait to actually take some time and press pause……
“As long as you keep your head to the sky, you can win. Be optimistic”—–Sounds of Blackness
The School of Life essentially is our life course. Adventures in Growing Up is the way we respond, our growth development in this school, our way to relate to others, etc., I could go on about it but I’m hoping you get the idea of it.
Despite being an extremely open person, I’m very closed as well. I share what I share and I share it in vague terms if I share something that is of importance. For some reason I was super emotional this weekend, I don’t know why. I do not even know where it came from but it just kept building up.
One of the things that I’m trying to learn to actually care about ME. Doing things for myself and not because I want to please others is a really hard thing to do. I’ve always wanted to make sure that those around me are happy, and if that meant not doing what I wanted or expressing how I felt, then that’s ok because they are happy. Well, that’s not healthy.
I noticed that I’m sleeping with the light on a lot lately. It’s weird. I view not turning the light off as being able to not have closure or the ability to let go. Weird, right? Think about it. Let it simmer. If the sun were to stay on 24 hours a day, you wouldn’t know when the next day began unless you were at a clock. Same concept, you don’t have to end things, just let it stay continuously going.
Speaking of letting go, I did just that. *sigh* I’ve known for quite some time, probably years that holding on to things is a way of comfort. Everybody does it. So i’m choosing to let go once and for all. I’m fine with it. I am moving on. Letting go…..it’s going to take some time but I’m going to let go.
Sorry, I’ve haven’t updated in a bit of a hot minute. So if you haven’t noticed, I typically do not talk about work on here, primarily because work and this are two separate in my life that I want to keep that way for the most part. However, I had an interesting experience at work and would like to share that because it just goes to show you how intuitive people truly are.
Last week at the salon was particularly busy. Some of the staff were getting ready for a fashion/hair show and I got to help them get set up with that.FUN! Thursday, I had a consultation with a new client who was referred to me by one of my first clients ever. She came in was kind of not sure of how to explain what it was she exactly wanted but she did a pretty good as I gave her a clear of understanding what it was that I thought she wanted. She was super nice and said she would see me in a few weeks. “You’re a Taurus.” said the client as she was leaving. The look of shock and awe must have been clear on my face as I said “Yes, I am. How could you tell?”, she smiled and said “It’s your eyes. Taurus’s have very placid eyes.”
Thursday night the show went well, despite a few minor things but whatever. Friday I had the day off and I went and got another Mystic Tan(I think I’m addicted to being bronzed but only in the summer). Then Saturday came and I forget what I did but I didn’t do anything. Oh that’s right, I went to Verizon to deal with my phone. I think I’m going to just deal without having it for the moment.(another story for another day) Did I mention that this show the hair was inspired by the Zodiac?!
THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING:
“I’m sorry he can’t fit you in today” said the coordinator at work on Sunday to a client. She hung up the phone I immediately asked who was that and she told me, I thought about it and said “Of course I can fit her in.” So the client was called back. Client came in and with her she had a Georgetown Vanilla Happy Birthday cupcake(my favorite but she didn’t know this), and she said “This is for you because I forgot your birthday”, a smile quickly came over me. It was absolutely so nice but how in the world did she know my favorite flavor. It’s simple and easy but how weird…….
Before she even got into the changing room, we were engulfed in conversation. She explained to me how this was a bad year for the Taurus, between betrayals, situations involving friends, trying to find themselves, trying to keep their mouth shut, etc., I couldn’t even believe it. I was just shocked. Upstairs we went and started to work on her hair. We quickly find ourselves back into the conversations of the Zodiac. She explained how the Taurus is the person soaks up all the problems that people have and take them on as their own(something that I’ve always done), Taurus is never the one to say what is on their mind they kind of just bottle it up and push it down until it’s over(true). Since, I find myself dealing with a lot of Aquarius, Virgo and Scorpios, I asked about that as well. Everything that she was describing was perfect to a T.
I always find myself arguing with the Aquarius signs. We’re both very stubborn and it has to be our way. However the Aquarius are a bit flighty. Anyways, I’m sure we could have talked for hours about all of this but we didn’t. It’s probably not as weird as it was when it happened but it was strange, it felt as if she knew about situations that I had gone through the year and was able to recount or at least to me able to bring up the memory so it wasn’t something that I forgotten. Has anyone had an experience with a person like this? Am I over analyzing her intuition? Disclaimer: She is not a psychic
P.S. I promise to get back to read and commenting on your blogs as well.
Ever meet someone who was just amazingly nice all around? Who could find a friend in everybody? It’s truly one of those beautiful rare phenomenons in the world.I wish I was like that sometimes. As we become ultra consumed in our own lives and become more and more superficialized(I know this isn’t a legitimate word but I make up words all the time) we forget to take in the people around us and appreciate them for who they are.
I truly never thought I’d find myself in a place like this. A feeling like this. A thought like this. Becoming lost in oneself is one of the scariest things that you can realize has happened to you. Some of us are able to find ourselves with no problems while some of encounter bumps along the way. Does it make you a bad person? Of course not!
Each and everyone is unique and a lot of time I think that we forget that. It’s easy too. You have to take the time to remember what makes you and how special you are.
We’re all a work in a progress. Our goals and dreams in life are different. What’s so bad about that? There’s always a rainbow…..
d(._.)b Hudson Mohawke-Tell Me What You Want From Me
It’s funny, of course when I started this blog I wanted to talk about street fashion and all fun things like that. Well, it’s really hard to have a street fashion blog when you work a bajillion hours a week.I decided that I would gear focus on just things that I truly know about and stay true to my personality. Fashion is one of them, music is another and life is another. There’s a point to this…..just trust me.
One of the hardest things that I think people in life go through is taking criticism. Whether it be from friends, family or a boss, it’s always hard to take what someone thinks about the best foot that we put out there and learn from that. I’m the first to admit, while I appreciate a bit of constructive criticism, depending on the delivery, I become a baby. I act like a 2-year-old child and IMPLODE! I always take it 10x worst then I should and assume that I’ve messed up in the worst way possible. “I can’t redeem myself!” “What have I done?!” “Did I make you mad?” “Do you hate me?!” It’s really only natural and everybody has dealt with this at some stage in their life. You can lie all you want and say it’s not true but trust me it is. I’m getting to the point…..just trust me.
I have a lot of growing up to do in certain aspects(Oh Em Gee, I may look like I’m totally together but I sneeze and burp too!)
Last week, I learned a lesson in humbling myself. Looking back at the experience, I feel good about it. I wish it had happened in other ways then this way but shit happens.
I am always willing to take on a task. A lot of the time, I succeed and do something good. I just go for it. I get gung-ho and just try my hardest. I try not to ask because even though it’s not a sign of weakness, I don’t want to be viewed as not knowing something when I should.
My thought process was in the right frame of mind. I was going about it the right way but I messed up. However I didn’t find this out til later which made the hurt sting 4x worse than it should have. I was given the situation in the opposite way which didn’t help
The situation was given to me as if I was the most untalented person on the face of the earth and should get banished to the barren desert of Australia to live with the dingoes and aborigines(I said I have a lot of growing up to do)however, I just sulked.
Going home, throwing myself on the bed and falling asleep in the most dramatic fashion cause that’s what I do. Woke up the next day and was still dramatic. Went and got myself a 5 scoop sundae with extra peanut butter and extra hot fudge. I asked for an extra peanut butter cup but clearly she didn’t hear me. I think I was dramatic some more and then the next day was out of my stupor of dramatics.
Somehow, I brought the subject up and got a conversation starting with my peers that were knowledgeable on the subject. It got a conversation started and I realized that it’s ok to ask sometimes. It’s ok to not know the answers. I’m in a stage in life where I’m not going to know the answers, I’ll never know the answers to everything. I learn and grow but I have to be receptive to that. When you are receptive to what those around you say, you put your best self out there.
So I might as well just throw it in the back and become a spinster! You know in gay years I might as well be 45. What’s the correct terminology for an old man who is a Cat Lady? When I was younger I thought it would be cool to have been married 7 times. I would have given Liz Taylor a run for her money!!
Gay men really are hard to gauge when it comes to dating. Whoever tells you otherwise is a goddamn liar and you should run far away from them. Dating is hard enough for anybody but throw in the same sex…10x worse. I guarantee!!!!
Dating should not be so hard. It really is something that is fun and that you enjoy doing when you’re in that getting to know some phase, right? We all play games so to sit here and say that I don’t I’d be like. However, I don’t sit there and play the “Oh, I like you today but will ignore you for 3 weeks at a time and call upon you when I’m bored and ready game!” Been there.Done that.Over it!
So I’ve compiled a few bullet points of what could be the reason why someone could think I’m not the easiest person to date.Disclaimer:Everyone is entitled to their opinions.I’M SUPER EASY TO DATE.I’M NOT A FATAL ATTRACTION LIKE GLENN CLOSE! I think everyone should try it at some point and come up with “faults” as to why you are not dating.It’s a lot of fun and you learn a lot about yourself other people. Let’s face it there’s nothing wrong with any of us is there?
DATING JUST ISN’T FOR ME:
Am I a bitch? Could people perceive my dry, sarcastic, witty, but very monotone voice as being the bitchy queen that they do not want to get involved with?Note: Quoting Tyra Sánchez “…but I’m not a bitch.I’m America’s sweetheart!” and I could be yours too.
Maybe I’m playing the games that I think I’m not playing and by doing that I’m playing a game and making self seem not available or interested.We’ll I’ve gone past go several times now it’s time to pay up!
Maybe I’m not as cute as I think I am. Maybe the idea in my head and that I see through my eyes isn’t what other people see, which would make me repulsive. Maybe I look like an ogre or some hideous swamp monster who smells like vile nasty swamp water!!! Note:I piss rainbows, shit 24 carat gold glitter while farting Chanel No.5
Maybe guys don’t want a guy that has a big booty. Maybe it implies that I’m some kind of big booty heaux. I can understand.Note: I will quote the famous Rihanna for this “and it’s not even my birthday…I GOT THAT CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE”
The only factor that I would say would the be only reason ever not to date me if I weren’t going to date me would be the fact that I don’t drive. There’s nothing wrong with that, my choice and your choice.Note:That’s a valid reason.
I guess I could be expensive to keep happy. I don’t mind sitting at home but because we want to not because we have to.Note:”Me and broke n*ggas we don’t get along”
Guess my point is, I’m kind of bummed out about this guy. Like make some time to see me or at least tell me that you don’t want to keep on hanging. I’m cool with that. I think it’s a waste of time to keep someone strung along.At the end of the day, it don’t matter because I am doing good………
Don’t look ahead, there’s stormy weather
Another roadblock in our way
But if we go, we go together
Our hands are tied here if we stay
Oh, we said our dreams will carry us
And if they don’t fly we will run
Now we push right past to find out
Oh, how to win what they all lost
A few months ago, I was listening to Santigold‘s “Disparate Youth”, the song spoke to me then and it’s speaking me again. The impending May 6th, is closer than I think. 27 isn’t a big birthday by any means, yes it’s another year that has passed but it’s all a symbol of ways that I need to have experiences that will help in my quest of adulthood.
Lately, I’ve felt really stifled with my creative processes in almost every aspect. I feel that my growth hasn’t had the room for growth that is needed to go forth and that’s not a good feeling. A lot of the times I think and believe that its me just that needs validation so I find an excuse as to why I CAN’T do something. It sometimes it works and lately I’m finding there are many flaws in using that as a crutch.
I’ve found a creative group of people and that’s awesome. I truly love what each and everyone brings to the table and we are able to learn new things to help us in our future collaborations. Do you think it’s enough to satisfy me? No. I need more. I have supportive family & friends that like the ideas that I’m trying to put forth. Do you think that’s enough to satisfy me? No. What’s the next step? Where does one go from this feeling?
I realized that I no longer am I content with not pursuing my dreams. If I fail and fall, God has given me two hands and two feet to pick myself back up and carry myself back to the path. NO EXCUSE NOT TRY. The reason that this song spoke to me again is because I have so many wonderful people in my life that have just gone for the dream of whatever they were pursuing, yet I still haven’t. It’s scary to think that one day your on a swing set with friends and the next day in a brand new arena without those friends but that’s what life is about. You can’t stifle yourself, you’ll be miserable and make everyone miserable around you. Everybody thinks that I’m crazy and to give it some time, i understand where they are coming from. The more time I give things, the more I feel locked in and feel that I’ll miss my opportunity.
I keep waiting around for the that special person that I’ve been madly in love with for years to tell me that they feel the same, however truly I realize that if I keep waiting by the phone for that text, I’ll miss out on other great experiences or probably the person that is the truly the one that I love. The list on what is out there for me to experience is endless but I’ll never know unless I go out there and make a path for myself. Whether I come back or don’t…..well that’s for fate to decide…..but I know that I don’t start now, I’ve created a destiny for myself that I’m not truly going to find a happy in with and I think the latter is worse…….
I shouldn’t have had that coffee earlier in the day. It as a trenta iced coffee with a shot of espresso and now I’m paying for it dearly. I can’t sleep and now I’m thinking and that’s not good. When I start thinking, I rant and rant and rant…….Get the picture?
I’m not necessarily ranting in this case, I just can’t believe that I’m stupid enough to continue to fall for these games. I don’t understand why I don’t realize that deep down that I am good enough that I can be loved by YOU or ANYONE for that matter. When I’m not being a bitch, I’m actually really a great person. I feel as though I keep getting strung along and I am just fed up with it. What about the needs that I have? Why am I on the back burner?
Oh because I’m stupid enough to believe that such and such is happening. Well, you know what such and such hasn’t happened. I’m ready to move on. For so long, despite work schedules, any chance to bask in your presence, I run and jump to it. I really do. The fact that you don’t realize that and want me to go above and beyond…..What if I don’t get the answer that I’m looking for? I don’t want to get hurt nor waste my time anymore. I can’t, it’s emotionally wrecking me I feel like. It’s not fair! It really isn’t!
Why do gay men play games? Men play games in general but gay men are notorious for this shit!!! I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want but then don’t actually follow-up on the actions at all. It just seems like bullshit. I don’t. I can’t. It hurts. Do you care?
Some days I wanna tell you to FUCK OFF. Some days I want to tell you I LOVE YOU! Then I realize that I’m just a “Sideline Ho“, “Jump Off”, “Home Wrecker” Everything I didn’t want to have to deal with in my life at this point. I know what my decision is, do you know yours?
It’s 2013 and it’s time to start looking towards the future in a good way. You can have me? You can lose me? You know that in a heartbeat for the right answer, you can have it all. You know in heartbeat for the wrong answer, you’ll lose it all. Tough decision but honey I know the answer that I want to have.
Welcome to a new year, it’s 2013. We’ve survived everything from a Mayan Apocalypse disaster to the end and beginning of a new year. New Year‘s Eve is always one of the most overrated nights. Like I stated in a earlier blog, some of my best nights for NYE were with friends in middle school just walking around and be goofy enjoying each others company. That’s what it is all about. The focus always seems that going out is the right thing to do being decadent, waiting for the year to end and the year to begin.
Yesterday, I had to work which I was actually fine with. The day went really smooth and ended up hanging out with a coworker after work for a few hours afterwards. I actually enjoyed just unwinding and chit chatting. Then it was off to my friend Catherine’s to help her and Christina get ready for the NYE festivities. I honestly had intentions of staying at home for the night, especially since I didn’t last year. I even purposely didn’t bring a change of clothes either, so I wouldn’t be tempted. Go ahead and say “What a loser?”
Well, when I got there I was somehow persuaded by seeing how fabulous they looked from the lashes and the hair that I decided to suck it up and go out. Turns out I was glad I did. We went to a house party in Brighton, the crowd was varied. The one thing that I noticed about nights like this is that most girls try way to hard to out do each other. Thankfully, Catherine and Christina didn’t try at all. They looked great! So off we went into the night.
The first party, we stayed at until about 12:30, we played some Beirut, we played some tunes and danced like our lives we’re dependent on it. I always enjoy being the token homosexual in certain cases. Straight guys cannot handle it! It’s amazing. So we left the party and went outside. We were going to go get something to eat but we saw these awesome hair hipster boys. We were the life of that party as well! Amazing…
However the best part of the night was the end, when we got in a cab back to Catherine’s place from an awesome driver named Singh. He was from the Goa region of India, or maybe that was my client from earlier in the day. Actually, no he was from Kashmir!!! Then it was time to veg out, which is what we did on Comella’sItalian food. So delish!
So all in all I will say that this NYE was a lot of fun. Unexpected and fun which is what I like for such an overrated holiday. Love, health and prosperity are my hopes for everyone in 2013, the world is a troubling place.
Let’s Make The Most Of Our Night Like We’re Gonna Die Young
Christmas was good this year. Didn’t get to actually do the semi-surprise getaway that I had planned for because of work but that’s ok. MGM Grand is there next year, right? It actually worked out because I ended up feeling really sick and slept from 6:30 Christmas Eve until 3 on Christmas Day. Sometimes your body just needs it. However, we were able to get last minute reservations at Ceres Bistro at The Beechwood Hotel in Worcester, Ma, was a really good meal actually. The staff was great, the food was great. I’ll definitely be going back again for brunch. I actually liked how the restaurant is curved like the hotel, so you have really nice views, especially in the summertime.
Seriously, Ke$ha I couldn’t agree with that statement more. It seems like every year since 2010 has just been a shitty year, one right after the other. Not even a break to give me a second to breathe! Granted, I’ve met some really great people and have had some great experiences in this time frame but not a stellar year that is like “Wow, you’ve made the right decisions!” Granted, there has been a lot of wrong decisions in there, I’m sure of it but I just have that luck where one wrong decision turns into a lifetime of bad decisions. I’m praying, hoping, needing, wanting for 2013 to justify all the shitty years prior.
I understand that life happens and those experiences make you a stronger person. What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, I mean if Kelly Clarkson is singing that tune then it’s obviously true…..*insert eyeroll* but no really, it’s true, right? I think that 2013 needs to be the year for me in a sense. Despite coming off as an extremely self involved person, which I’m actually not if people took the time to actually get to really know me, but then maybe that’s my fault because I don’t let people get to know me because I don’t have time for BULLSHIT. Although, bullshit seems to follow me around wherever I go. Maybe this is the year that I move out, move away and forget about this awful city. Well, it’s not awful, I just need a break from it. I need a new appreciation for other cities and then to come back to appreciate this city.
On a daily basis, I feel as though I’m becoming more and more of a person that I’m not. The only thing that really makes me happy is music and friends. Good music and good friends are all you can really ask for in life.
I wish all my friends nothing but happiness in 2013. 2012 was one of the shittiest years around and I wish so hard to forget it. As Danielle Staub says “Love and Light”