Breathe Again

 

This song is beautiful
This song is beautiful

“And I can’t stop thinkin’ about. About the way my life would be. No I can’t stop thinkin’ about. How your love could be leavin’ me. And I can’t get you outta my mind. God knows how hard I tried. And if you walked right out my life. God knows I surely die!……..That, I shall never, never breathe again. Breathe again!”

This is something myself doing quite often about you. As long as I can remember you’ve been an important factor in my life. It’s a different kind of love. You mean so much to me. You really do. I hold you to a different light in my life. I appreciate all that you done. The times through good and bad, you’ve helped me make it through. I really do and now this is really hard for me to say.

I think we need to take a break from each other. Just a little while. You’ll understand someday. I just want you to have the strength and courage to remain strong as I’ll do the same for you. If things remain afterwards then “We’re in this love together and we got the kind that’ll last forever!”-Al Jarreau I’m embarking on a different path and while I know you’ll be there right by my side, supporting me the entire time, I need to do this on my own. I need to appreciate you for all your worth! Appreciate the beauty of you! Treat you like you all that your worth! Can you understand the pain? Can you stand the rain?

Just taking a needed break from buying shoes that I really have no use for. Just trying to plan a little more responsibly for the next chapter in life!

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I Hate That You Love Me

“Pretend that I don’t see you
Look the other way when you walk in the room
I pretend I’m lost in thought, when a sneak a look
Out the corner of my eye

And it goes on and on and on and on and on
Laying out a pavement in my head
And it goes on and on and on and on and on
It’s way past just a game”——lyrics from Snakehips “On and On”

Dating. Relationships. Dre. That’s not a good mixture. Have I met the right person? Have I met someone who I think is 100% worth it? I’m not sure. I’ve met people who have qualities that I fall in love with. Which is a great thing but I’m getting to an age where I’d rather meet someone who I fall in love with 100%.

I’m finding that as I get older, I’m beginning to find that fewer people want that type of steady of relationship. I’m finding that people are more into the “Let’s Sleep Around” type of relationship. Eh, I’ve got no time for that. Sitting back and letting things happen when nature says that it’s time.

The reason that I posted the lyrics from the song above. Reminds me of the way that you feel as you a new relationship, maybe the way you feel when you have a crush on someone. Just kind of spoke to me and I wanted to share. However, if you listen to the song look for the Kaytranada remix. That version is the one I heard that spoke to me, the other versions while the lyrics are the same, it wasn’t the same profound message.

Just some thoughts at the moment.

Dre

 

I Never Stop Myself To Wonder Why…….

You Take My Self, You Take My Self Control

I shouldn’t have had that coffee earlier in the day. It as a trenta iced coffee with a shot of espresso and now I’m paying for it dearly. I can’t sleep and now I’m thinking and that’s not good. When I start thinking, I rant and rant and rant…….Get the picture?

I’m not necessarily ranting in this case, I just can’t believe that I’m stupid enough to continue to fall for these games. I don’t understand why I don’t realize that deep down that I am good enough that I can be  loved by YOU or ANYONE for that matter. When I’m not being a bitch, I’m actually really a great person. I feel as though I keep getting strung along and I am just fed up with it. What about the needs that I have? Why am I on the back burner?

Oh because I’m stupid enough to believe that such and such is happening. Well, you know what such and such hasn’t happened. I’m ready to move on. For so long, despite work schedules, any chance to bask  in your presence, I run and jump to it. I really do. The fact that you don’t realize that and want me to go above and beyond…..What if I don’t get the answer that I’m looking for? I don’t want to get hurt nor waste my time anymore.  I can’t, it’s emotionally wrecking me I feel like. It’s not fair! It really isn’t!

Why do gay men play games? Men play games in general but gay men are notorious for this shit!!! I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want but then don’t actually follow-up on the actions at all. It just seems like bullshit. I don’t. I can’t. It hurts. Do you care?

Some days I wanna tell you to FUCK OFF. Some days I want to tell you I LOVE YOU! Then I realize that I’m just a “Sideline Ho“, “Jump Off”, “Home Wrecker” Everything I didn’t want to have to deal with  in my life at this point. I know what my decision is, do you know yours?

It’s 2013 and it’s time to start looking towards the future in a good way. You can have me? You can lose me? You know that in a heartbeat for the right answer, you can have it all. You know in heartbeat for the wrong answer, you’ll lose it all. Tough decision but honey I know the answer that I want to have.

Dre

Cause All Them Bitches Ratchet…….

I be trippin’, I be flippin’ I be so belligerent

It all comes, down to this…….and I’m about to explain in…..5….4….3….2….1!
So what I need for you to do is explain “Open Relationships”. I really don’t understand it to be quite honest. The appeal of it says “I tell you that I love you but at the same time you aren’t my everything.” I’ve always viewed as you are good enough in almost every capacity but yet I’m not fulfilled so I seek it elsewhere. While some people it works for it, I don’t see it working for me, EVER!!!  

Here’s the questions that I ask: When is it actually an open relationship? When is it actually cheating? How do you take an open relationship to the next level of commitment? Before you start off saying….”You’re just some bitter single gay man!’….Fuck is on your biscuit?!…because I’m not….I’m actually really trying to understand and open my eyes to what seems to be the next new thing. I mean if it is working for you and you are able to make it work…I applaud you in all seriousness because it’s something I wouldn’t be able to do.

It probably stems from my own issues with jealousy….will I ever work them out? Probably not, that’s the one type of sharing I can’t honestly see myself actually letting myself do. Life is too short to always have to wonder about the cat you let outside to play and the type of fleas that he could bring back. I mean, aside from the possible emotional damage that it can cause over time, does anybody really think about the potential physical side effects if someone isn’t honest. With the invention of the internet comes the availability to get a piece of ass faster than a waiting for your Boar’s Head Peppercorn Turkey at the local deli, so imagine how fast it is for someone to lie and give you something you’ll remember them by for a life time. NO THANK YOU GIRL!  I’m not trying to sway views or opinions…I just wanna know. I’m not saying that I haven’t used the internet to be a little bit of a Hoe Hopping Herbert but I’m just saying…if I were going to use it for my “open relationship” that dog better come with all of the papers from the vet!…..Honey, Dre Dre don’t want or need to be going to get a Distemper Shot…WOOF WOOF WOOF!!

So if you can get past that….I want to know…..if you are in an open relationship, are there rules for cheating? What constitutes as cheating at this point? I mean you’ve already basically have said “Have your cake honey and eat that cake too…and while your at it….Have some of his cake too!….Need a napkin?” Am I right?!  I would imagine that it  would be harder to define cheating at this point and you would probably end up in a game of back n forth…he said, she said…..kind of annoying and not my cup of Blood Orange Tea in the morning.

Ooooooh….I got one….now what I really wanna know is….WHY DOES EVERYBODY THAT IS AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP THINK THAT I WANT THEM THAT BAD TO WHERE I WILL STOOP AND LET YOU USE ME AS A JUMP OFF?!?!?!?! EXPLAIN THAT TO ME!!! 

Please….Explain! I’m waiting! 5…4….3….2…FUCK IT..1…..So before I let you explain..I’m gonna tell you why I am not a jump off piece! I’m sure that I have hooked up with someone in my past and maybe even at times knowingly in the PAST…hooked up with someone or whatever  and they had someone waiting at home for them. I regret it with all my heart….I truly do. It’s the worst feeling to be cheated on, or even the worst feeling to know that you aren’t good enough to satisfy someone as a whole so they feel the need to “seek” someone else to fulfill that capacity. As I get older now and realize what it is I want for my future relationships and what I don’t want…it saddens me to think that people are leaving monogamy and going for ratchet open door policy relationships….because let me tell you….the next fucker who decides he wants to cheat on me….Heaven forbid it isn’t the man who I call my husband cause I would hate to have to blow up his car, clothes, house and kids like Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale….but don’t ever underestimate a black boy scorned. Life is just too short to always have to wonder about these things. It’s scary that I think like this and I’m only 26….but at the same time……gotta learn to find happiness in your life without counting on other people. Gotta learn to do the things in life that you love, enjoy the people that matter most to you while they are in your life. Nothing last forever cause time ain’t forever!

So if you fancy an Open Door Relationship Policy….I applaud that and if you actually make it work….4 for you Glen Coco. If you prefer a Cat Doesn’t Go Out To Play Policy……I applaud that as well….4 for you Glen Coco again….Be Happy. Be Free.Be Safe…Don’t be Ratchet!

 

How Do We Find the Words To Say?

d(._.)b “Goodbye” by Alica Keys

I’m fortunate to have had many experiences in my life, both good and bad. I’ve learned to grow from everything and become a stronger person when I really need to be. I’ve noticed though there is one lesson that I just can’t learn from….AT ALL!!

A few months ago, I was able to make such a big stride in going forward to the next step in life. It hurt more than anybody could imagine. It seemed cold and callous out of nowhere i just said “unfriend”. I thought I was doing the right thing and I was happy(was I?)

Alicia Keys on her first album wrote a song “Goodbye”. For some reason, I always attribute my emotions to certain songs. When I’m happy, I put on the fiercest playlist for music and BAM! I hadn’t listened to this song in almost a year, and I still haven’t really listened to but I know it word for word, note for note as her fingers gracefully play the piano. This song describes my feeling right now.

I wanted for many years to be the object of your affection. The way you made me feel like I’m the best. I never have to pretend with you. We could be sitting in a room and not say anything for hours but when we do, the smile in your eyes makes my heart melt. I’ve said it before and no matter what I love you!

Several of my good friends know our history, the romance, the drama, the hate, the rekindling. It’s a LifeTime miniseries. One of my good friends who really inspired me to take the next step onward in moving forward really gave me food for thought. “I’m only giving you a hard time because I know how hard you’ve tried to break your ties off with him. I only know what you’ve told me on how you feel.”

I don’t even know what I feel. I feel love. I feel hate. I feel sad. I feel happy. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to be your friend. I want to be in your life in some capacity. WHY? Do you feel these things like I do? Everything is usually on your terms. There has never been compromise. I was ok with that! I never asked for anything. I loved you. When things fell apart, I backed off, I needed time. They say time heals all wounds but when you have your first real love and to realize the love isn’t reciprocal is a feeling that never heals.

I always have my wall up, you know just how to take it down brick by brick. You probably have no idea that I feel this way deep down. Which is in part a lot of my fault, I’ve never expressed any of this to you. It definitely is in part of me being afraid. It has taken a lot of learning to get to a level that I know that looking at your eyes wouldn’t melt my heart. Right now, as I sit here, I feel incoherent writing this. You are the only one that has EVER made me feel this way. The ONLY one who can even bring me to this point. WHY? A lot of thoughts racing through my mind as if I were on the Autobahn in a Ferrari full throttle to get to you to have the chance to ask you “Do you care about my feelings?”

Here I am and there you are. Standing here face to face. Sitting side by side. You have your life and I have mine. Let’s just say that someone asked us both how felt about each other. What would you say? Do you care enough about me to be a friend? We’ve gone through so much and I’d like to really know how you feel? Not just what I want to hear…………

Exposed….

Well…I almost started this sentence out as a lie. I was going to say “I noticed that I started this blog and jumped right in” Well….truth is that’s what I did. I didn’t just now notice it and say “Oh I need to write a blog stating that” There wasn’t a purpose in that, just something that if I didn’t start the blog right away i probably never would have. 

I’d like to start my first Official Blog Post as an About Me! I want you to get to know me and I hope to get to know you as readers. Cliché, yes but it’s the truth. This something I’ve always wanted to do and I figured now was the perfect time. It’s now or never, sink or swim, do or don’t! 

My name is Andrae and I’m a 26 year old gay male from the Boston area by way of Houston! I’ll cut the shit. I’ve spent my entire life growing up here but never actually felt a connection in the sense of this being my home. I love everything NYC, ATLANTA, HOUSTON, SAN DIEGO, LA, etc. Places I’ve always felt a connection to in a sense. I love Boston don’t get me wrong but it’s just not me at the moment. 

I currently work as a junior colorist at one of the top salons in Boston…and probably in the country. I strive for excellence. However, I always wanted to go to school for Fashion Design. I really enjoy the fashion industry as a whole. I remember watching the Style Network, years ago when shows like “Behind the Velvet Ropes with Lauren Ezersky, The Look For Less, FashionTV and Nick Scotti” were on. Growing up, I always admired my grandmother’s sense of style from her bags to shoes to clothes to the way she presented herself. She was very chic and I’ll give it to her now she still is. 

My other big passion is music. Actually, I hold music on the same level as I hold fashion. It is the other element of life that I hold dear to me. My mother grew up around music and I can remember countless times growing up as a kid on a weekend just listening to music from Sade to The Gap Band to Prince to Janet, the list could go on. I have been very lucky to find different aspects of every genre except for country and bluegrass that I can really appreciate. Every genre has a time and place in your life. 

My life is really just beginning, I’m 26 and the world is my oyster. Actually, I hate oysters. The world is my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, my French Fry, my double stuf Oreo, my Chocolate Blizzard with Peanut Butter Cups, my Root Beer Soda with EXTRA ICE, my packet of Salt(I have a love for SALT). I’m making a path for myself in all sorts of directions and if you had asked me 3 years ago, I would have said “It has to be done this way. This way. Not that way” Life is too short to have rules like that, you have to go after what you want. I’m doing just that….I think. 

This is my journey. Fashion is to Music as Adventure is to Life. 

d(._.)b 100 Square Feet by Annekei is the song I’m living to at the moment.

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It’s the Pleasure Principle

Growing up for some reason I’ve always felt a strange connection to this song. Before truly understanding the meaning of this song, just alone watching the video, I always felt a connection. The excitement of the video, the choreography simple yet so intricate. Something just always resonates and makes me feel so good.

In terms of the meaning of the lyrics, haha I just really figured out the meaning of it. Or what it means to me.

I often times think of the song as being about a person who is sick of the bullshit games that’s being played by the person he or she is involved with. It’s about liberation, freedom, maybe independence!!! It’s a song that speaks on so many different levels that I think that almost anyone can relate too! Plus it’s Janet Jackson….I mean HELLO!!!!