Turning 30

growing up, mature, old, 30
Truth

I know I’ve only been 30 for about 17 days, 10 hours and 45 minutes, however, I think that gives me a little authority on the subject.

Everybody tells you that it isn’t bad turning 30. In fact, they go one step further and say it’s like any other birthday. That’s a boldface lie. It’s slightly different because now you happen your an official adult. No more milestone birthdays to make transition through decades easier. Ethan Hawke, Growing up, old, 30

All jokes aside though turning 30 wasn’t as bad as I had envisioned. It was totally fine. If your definition is crying at weird moments throughout the weekend then it was totally fine. Not only did I cry during “Sing Street”, I cried at dinner, I cried after dinner before bed, I cried the following morning and I’m sure I cried some more. I’m placing blame on the new moon and Saturn’s retrograde.

New Lessons: Things I Learned In My 20s

  1. It’s going to hurt. You will cry. It’s an excuse to buy shoes. Don’t let heartbreak harden your heart. Just because you like that person today, doesn’t mean you will in a few months. Have fun but try with caution. If you happen to find your soul mate, good for you. Every failed relationship is a way to look at yourself and see what it is you want and how to go about seeking it in positive ways.

    gretchen weiners, mean girls, love, relationship,turning 30, growing up
    Gretchen was actually really fetch about this
  2. You have to fail just once at something. If you fail, “Dust yourself off and try again.” -Aaliyah. Failure is one of the greatest teachers we can learn from. I’ve had my share of failures and it took a long time to finally come to a place where I’m okay with them. Without those failures, I don’t think I’d appreciate the lessons I’ve learned in the past few years. Check your ego at the door. patrick dempsey, can't buy me love, amanda petersen, 80s, movies, love, paula abdul
  3. The family you choose is a wonderful thing. People come into your life at particular moment, sometimes they leave at particular moments. As you grow older, you want people in your group that are supportive, have similar ideals as yourself. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. It’s not satisfying. Some of these friends, you’ve shared tough and happy times with. Don’t take them for granted.
  4. Time waits for no one. It’s precious. Learn it. Live it. Love it. No, I mean that. If people want to throw their bad energy into the harmony your trying to create, it’s really okay to walk away from those situations. You are in charge of your life and happiness. Your boss was fine before your arrival and he’ll be fine after your departure. However, if it comes to friendships, you should grow a set of balls and learn to talk about the issues before throwing away friendships. Communicate before you eradicate.

    Lo Bosworth, Lauren Conrad, Laguna Beach, The hills, crying, get over it, growing up, 30s
    Really though?
  5. You start to appreciate yourself more than you thought you did. Spending time alone doesn’t bother you as much. Learning new hobbies actually seems like a fun idea. In an ideal world, the more we knew who we are and the more we love ourselves, the more you start to live life.
      Jasmine guy, school daze, spike lee, fingers snapping, 30s, growing oldI know myself!
  6. You never stop learning. People are always evolving. You come to a point where you realize, nobody really knows how to do this called “Adulting.” It’s just everybody trying to find their own path and dealing with the bumps along the way.
    Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, heathers, 80s, growing up, 30
    This is life.

    In essence, it’s not bad turning 30. A little scary because no two paths are alike. Keep making new mistakes, living when you can, creating memories and you’ll move forward.

    Nothing a sheet mask and a glass of wine can’t fix, right?

Is It Possible To Be Too Inspired?

I'm so inspired at the moment that I'm feeling to inspired. It's kind of frustrating because I can't pick a focal point. I can't focus on one simple thing, just a bunch of inspiration and can't seem to get into gear. I have too much to look forward to this summer and upcoming fall that I wish it were kind of here already so that I could be pursuing new endeavors. Ya know?!

Change is good though, so I'm welcoming it with open arms. I want to embrace it. September will roll around before I know and then it'll be time to swing into action.

TO DO LIST: 

Get learners permit again.

Learn to drive.

Pass driver’s license test.

Save. Save. Save. Save. Save. Save. Save.

Enjoy summer!

 

The Flight From Hell

Just as it sounds, I experienced my first “Flight from Hell” and it wasn’t because of workers. It was because of two ignorant people actions and words. I know that people make fun of people for no reason whatsoever. Everyone is guilty of it, I am not saying that I’m 100% perfect but I also know when to comment about something. It doesn’t make it better but I’m not going to blatantly pick on someone.

Boston to Philadelphia was fine. Philadelphia to Los Angeles was a different story. Everyone has their own taste in fashion. Individual style is what makes who we are. It’s our way of expressing ourselves as people. I can respect that. I respect everyone’s personal taste. Be you!

So I’m sitting in my seat and this grown woman. I use the term  “grown woman” because she was married, step-mother and flirting with her seatmate because they both were  seated apart. Whatever I’ll be waiting for that story to end up on the ID Channel. I had on the most comfortable outfit. She immediately takes a glance at my shoes and text her husband and made a Facebook status about it. I have pretty good vision.

So she starts talking to her seatmate about it. As you know, the First Class cabin section is very small and when people get drunk, almost everything they say is audible. So he kept taking peeks from his seat, trying to take a picture. However, I didn’t let them get away with it. I was always ready with a look back for them.

Journeying along our way(at this point seemed like such an eternity), we both made eye contact and she smiled at me. I knew it was fake but even at this point she might have redeemed herself if she didn’t immediately laugh. I might have told her I loved her very noticeable fake Hermes Birkin bag. I might have told her that I loved her really bad highlights. Just to break up this awkward tension. So then I heard them talking about taking their picture when the plane landed. Um……really? If you’d like a picture of my shoes that you find ridiculous, I truly don’t mind. I know they are ridiculous. They make me happy.

At this point, the plane couldn’t land fast enough. They’ve made fun of everyone at this point.  Just stop it. Seriously. So I stand up to get my luggage as the plane landed. The cabin light turned on and I saw her go for her phone. She looked at my shoes and laughed so hard. “Um….I dressed so that when I got off the plane I could immediately go out. I just don’t understand people.” is what she said looking at her seatmate. It’s 2014 and I am starting the year off right, so what she had on doesn’t matter. Personal style. Personal preference.

Before the plane even landed, I thought about the unimaginable words that I might have said to her face as I got off the plane. I really thought long and hard. I almost said it. I wish that my phone had been charged or my computer didn’t die but then again, I think it’s for the better that I didn’t have access to devices because I might have said something and ruined my start to 2014. So I got off the plane and didn’t say a thing. I walked right by her and let her have a last cheap laugh.

As I was waiting for my ride, several of the airport people came up to me as they were leaving and said they loved my shoes. 2013 ended with a smile.

Phew. Feel better. I put in the Burn Book and feel better.

Dre

Press Pause

New and Improved Dre
New and Improving Dre

One of my really good friends told me that I should take the month of November and press pause on life. It sounded like such a great idea. I tried to press pause. However, my version of pause is probably not the pause that he was talking about. I think he meant to sit and reflect, turn off all electronics and focus on certain aspects of my life. What I did instead was create my version of pause and that was probably fast forward to the max!

L A X
L A X

I literally went from New York to Boston to Los Angeles to Boston and back to New York. I went on multiple interviews, met with multiple people in various industries to figure out what it is that I like. I thank the people who I met with so far and appreciate them helping me with this journey of self-discovery. Nothing short of epic. I am so thankful to have been able to catch up with old friends and this past weekend I was able to meet up with a friend of mine that I’ve literally known since we were 16 during the days of aim.

He remembers that we talked on dial-up, I don’t remember it being dial but you never know. It was awesome. It was great. I’ve found a new home and I want it to be Los Angeles. It’s a city that is so different from what I know on the East Coast. I think that it could be great and if not, I can always come home but I’m at an age where I need to take chances. Baby steps are great but sometimes taking a chance is what is going to propel you to the next level in life…….I hate taking pictures but I took some pictures…..

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Just a little bit of what I’ve been up to since November. I can’t wait to actually take some time and press pause……

How do you press pause?

Dre

I Cried Two Tears In a Bucket

“Sometimes it’s not bad to be selfish. Because there are somethings in life that are not meant to be shared”

What I think when I'm made to share
What I think when I’m made to share

Once upon a time there was a boy named Andrae and he was a very nice, well put together boy. Some might even say a Trophy, but there was one flaw. This boy Andrae hated the idea of sharing things. Sharing was not caring to Andrae. Whenever Andrae was forced to share, his heart turned into a million pieces of dog crap. He wouldn’t even share with his own mother if she asked him.

Sharing can cause STDs
Sharing can cause STDs

Andrae used to think that sharing was one of the worst things in life a person could do. There was no real value from it. The expectation that he was suppose to share was unsettling.

Sharing
Sharing

Then one day out of nowhere, Andrae shared. He shared everything. He shared much until it hurt. People around him gave him praises and thought it was the kindest thing. They weren’t sure how to react to this new movement. They antagonized him and in hopes that he wouldn’t share. Whenever he shared, he got a gold star. He even shared his favorite candies and cookies. HE EVEN SHARED PAD THAI(no fish sauce). I mean it doesn’t get any realer than that.

Sharing is something that I never thought I’d have to do in life. I mean I’ve never had to share, ever. My mother always made sure I didn’t have to share anything with my brother cause I would always throw a tantrum. Now I share. It’s amazing. I’ve grown up into a such a young man at 27, I share. I think I’ve even shared bubblegum with a child once. Yeah…..I know. I love sharing. The joy it brings to other peoples lives. My presence is sharing enough and you are all so lucky to have it in your lives……….

 

Just kidding….well, kind of…..I share this in hopes that you enjoy your weekend….

I want to share though....

Disparate Youth…….Santigold Nights(Pt. 2)

With Your Friends/ Santigold
With Your Friends/ Santigold (Photo credit: Chlobot)

Don’t look ahead, there’s stormy weather
Another roadblock in our way
But if we go, we go together
Our hands are tied here if we stay

Oh, we said our dreams will carry us
And if they don’t fly we will run
Now we push right past to find out
Oh, how to win what they all lost

A few months ago, I was listening to Santigold‘s “Disparate Youth”, the song spoke to me then and it’s speaking me again. The impending May 6th, is closer than I think. 27 isn’t a big birthday by any means, yes it’s another year that has passed but it’s all a symbol of ways that I need to have experiences that will help in my quest of adulthood.

Lately, I’ve felt really stifled with my creative processes in almost every aspect. I feel that my growth hasn’t had the room for growth that is needed to go forth and that’s not a good feeling. A lot of the times I think and believe that its me just that needs validation so I find an excuse as to why I CAN’T do something. It sometimes it works and lately I’m finding there are many flaws in using that as a crutch.

I’ve found a creative group of people and that’s awesome. I truly love what each and everyone brings to the table and we are able to learn new things to help us in our future collaborations. Do you think it’s enough to satisfy me? No. I need more. I have supportive family & friends that like the ideas that I’m trying to put forth. Do you think that’s enough to satisfy me? No. What’s the next step? Where does one go from this feeling?

I realized that I no longer am I content with not pursuing my dreams. If I fail and fall, God has given me two hands and two feet to pick myself back up and carry myself back to the path. NO EXCUSE NOT TRY. The reason that this song spoke to me again is because I have so many wonderful people in my life that have just gone for the dream of whatever they were pursuing, yet I still haven’t. It’s scary to think that one day your on a swing set with friends and the next day in a brand new arena without those friends but that’s what life is about. You can’t stifle yourself, you’ll be miserable and make everyone miserable around you. Everybody thinks that I’m crazy and to give it some time, i understand where they are coming from. The more time I give things, the more I feel locked in and feel that I’ll miss my opportunity.

I keep waiting around for the that special person that I’ve been madly in love with for years to tell me that they feel the same, however truly I realize that if I keep waiting by the phone for that text, I’ll miss out on other great experiences or probably the person that is the truly the one that I love. The list on what is out there for me to experience is endless but I’ll never know unless I go out there and make a path for myself. Whether I come back or don’t…..well that’s for fate to decide…..but I know that I don’t start now, I’ve created a destiny for myself that I’m not truly going to find a happy in with and I think the latter is worse…….

I Never Stop Myself To Wonder Why…….

You Take My Self, You Take My Self Control

I shouldn’t have had that coffee earlier in the day. It as a trenta iced coffee with a shot of espresso and now I’m paying for it dearly. I can’t sleep and now I’m thinking and that’s not good. When I start thinking, I rant and rant and rant…….Get the picture?

I’m not necessarily ranting in this case, I just can’t believe that I’m stupid enough to continue to fall for these games. I don’t understand why I don’t realize that deep down that I am good enough that I can be  loved by YOU or ANYONE for that matter. When I’m not being a bitch, I’m actually really a great person. I feel as though I keep getting strung along and I am just fed up with it. What about the needs that I have? Why am I on the back burner?

Oh because I’m stupid enough to believe that such and such is happening. Well, you know what such and such hasn’t happened. I’m ready to move on. For so long, despite work schedules, any chance to bask  in your presence, I run and jump to it. I really do. The fact that you don’t realize that and want me to go above and beyond…..What if I don’t get the answer that I’m looking for? I don’t want to get hurt nor waste my time anymore.  I can’t, it’s emotionally wrecking me I feel like. It’s not fair! It really isn’t!

Why do gay men play games? Men play games in general but gay men are notorious for this shit!!! I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want but then don’t actually follow-up on the actions at all. It just seems like bullshit. I don’t. I can’t. It hurts. Do you care?

Some days I wanna tell you to FUCK OFF. Some days I want to tell you I LOVE YOU! Then I realize that I’m just a “Sideline Ho“, “Jump Off”, “Home Wrecker” Everything I didn’t want to have to deal with  in my life at this point. I know what my decision is, do you know yours?

It’s 2013 and it’s time to start looking towards the future in a good way. You can have me? You can lose me? You know that in a heartbeat for the right answer, you can have it all. You know in heartbeat for the wrong answer, you’ll lose it all. Tough decision but honey I know the answer that I want to have.

Dre

2013: You Better Be The Year For Me

Let’s Make The Most Of Our Night Like We’re Gonna Die Young

Christmas was good this year. Didn’t get to actually do the semi-surprise getaway that I had planned for because of work but that’s ok. MGM Grand is there next year, right? It actually worked out because I ended up feeling really sick and slept from 6:30 Christmas Eve until 3 on Christmas Day. Sometimes your body just needs it. However, we were able to get last minute reservations at Ceres Bistro at The Beechwood Hotel in Worcester, Ma, was a really good meal actually. The staff was great, the food was great. I’ll definitely be going back again for brunch. I actually liked how the restaurant is curved like the hotel, so you have really nice views, especially in the summertime.

Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel
Ceres Bistro @ Beechwood Hotel

Seriously, Ke$ha I couldn’t agree with that statement more. It seems like every year since 2010 has just been a shitty year, one right after the other. Not even a break to give me a second to breathe! Granted, I’ve met some really great people and have had some great experiences in this time frame but not a stellar year that is like “Wow, you’ve made the right decisions!” Granted, there has been a lot of wrong decisions in there, I’m sure of it but I just have that luck where one wrong decision turns into a lifetime of bad decisions. I’m praying, hoping, needing, wanting for 2013 to justify all the shitty years prior.

I understand that life happens and those experiences make you a stronger person. What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, I mean if Kelly Clarkson is singing that tune then it’s obviously true…..*insert eyeroll* but no really, it’s true, right? I think that 2013 needs to be the year for me in a sense. Despite coming off as an extremely self involved person, which I’m actually not if people took the time to actually get to really know me, but then maybe that’s my fault because I don’t let people get to know me because I don’t have time for BULLSHIT. Although, bullshit seems to follow me around wherever I go. Maybe this is the year that I move out, move away and forget about this awful city. Well, it’s not awful, I just need a break from it. I need a new appreciation for other cities and then to come back to appreciate this city.

On a daily basis, I feel as though I’m becoming more and more of a person that I’m not. The only thing that really makes me happy is music and friends. Good music and good friends are all you can really ask for in life.

I wish all my friends nothing but happiness in 2013. 2012 was one of the shittiest years around and I wish so hard to forget it. As Danielle Staub says “Love and Light”

Dre

Cause There’s Beauty In The Breakdown……

I didn’t see the movie Garden State, primarily for the reason of my dislike for Zach Braff. However, I’ve heard this song “Let Go” by Frou Frou on many occasions. For some reason, on Tuesday night, I randomly heard it again. It caught my attention in a weird way, then last night when listening to the song, it just really took me by surprise in the most intense way. Have you ever had a song just do that to you? You don’t understand why but it just speaks to you on so many levels and you are ok with that?

That’s what this song did. I’m able to find emotion in music. I’m at that weird point in life at the moment where I’m going forward, yet I still feel far behind. I’m ready for that change but I’m scared to take it. I’m scared to just jump into it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it “I hate change” but watching those around me go forward it makes me realize that I’ll never know unless I do it. It’s ok to be scared, that is one of the things that makes it fun. If you aren’t scared, nervous, or excited there’s no point in it. You won’t learn a lesson from it, am I right? It seems like I’m really leaving this retrograde state and growing up. Back on track, which is good. Leaving the old behind and going forward with the new. I think that’s what this song is really all about.

Now I kind of want to see Garden State, just to see if I envisioned this song correctly.

One Last Option…One Last Chance….One Last Question….

I often times wonder why I keep talking to him. I know that the answer will forever be the same. The results never change. I’m given just enough information to keep hanging on to that glimmer of hope.

At one point in time it was fun to play that game. A game in which you play make believe. When does imagination turn into reality? I realized that the reality I wanted with you is one that I can’t have. Once I experienced it and that would have to be good enough for me.

Recently two people that I cared for deeply at one point in time have decided to make an appearance in my life again. In some ways I was excited and in others disappointed. Both opening wounds that I for sure thought were closed. In my mind, I thought “Maybe this time we can actually be friends!”

In reality, they view me as one thing. Guess no matter how old I really get, I’ll never be viewed as the friend I really wanted to be. The completion in my life that I longed for with these people will never happen. An imagination that I wanted to be a reality.