It May Be False…It May Be True…..

But Nothing Has Been Proved

d(._.)b “Nothing Has Been Proved” by Dusty Springfield

The past few months of my life have really been an eye opening experience. I’ll learn a lesson from things that were good, I’ll learn a lesson from things that were bad. Life is a learning experience and if you don’t talk anything from it then you aren’t open to growing as a person. That maybe harsh but it’s true.

I know I say this quite a bit but I wish someone had prepared me for “Life In Your Twenty’s”. I probably would have made certain decisions wiser. It’s frustrating in some ways to know that you were one extremely mature person in all aspects and then to doubt and question who you are as a person. However, those mistakes led to good and positive things. Although, lately I feel as though I’m on a bad Karma streak. I hate to say this because I’m not insensitive but “Everybody Sees Me As A Bitch Get Over It”……

When I say “Bitch”, I don’t mean it in the derogatory term. I mean it as an term of endearment. So I got off on a tangent….RED THREAD.  If you know me in real life or if you read my tweets or we’re friends on Facebook….you realize that I’m mature in a lot of ways…but I also get easily distracted…..well and I didn’t look well for her birthday NOR am I buying her a present. The best present to give a Christian is a bottle of Christian or you can give a Christian the Power of Christ to break up that witchs coven…RED THREAD. That was a prime example of being easily distracted.

I’m not perfect…nor did I ever claim to be. I’ve never claimed to have my shit together. I’m human. I feel like I was going in the right direction but then something happened. It’s kind of annoying because I know how I used to be during situations, I know what I’ve gone through. Even though I try, I can’t let go of things in the past that I’ve let subconsciously effect me. I try and I work really hard at it but sometimes I lack consistency, something that I am working on for next time.

I’ve really learned a few things about myself that I want to work on changing. I hate who I’ve become but I love who I am. When I look in the mirror, I recognize you and at the same time I don’t feel as though I know who you are? I never wanted to be the “BITCHY GAY BLACK GUY” role, it just sort of happened in my circle of friends. How do you transition from that role into that next role? Is there role after that? Will it measure up the same? Beside the point, I hate the role that I’ve fallen into in a lot of ways but sometimes it’s easier to play a role than it is to really let yourself shine through. I toy with this every day of my life, sometimes I feel as though I have an a mild identity crisis but ya know?  I’m not saying that I don’t want to be “Less of a Bitch”…..but I always think…..”What Would They Tell My Mother?” I’m truly not a bitch but I have zero tolerance for bullshit and then my fuse goes off and “5,4,3,2,1 BITCH”

The path to growing up really does include leaving those behind that don’t have the best intentions for you at heart. The ones that you thought you knew yet somewhere down the road, you went right and they turned left. Where does that leave you? Sometimes your left standing there in the middle because your too afraid to take that next step and you just stand there. I’ve learned I have to hold onto my faith and make it happen. I didn’t think I’d hear myself say this again but maybe I do need to go back to church. Maybe I’ve lost touch with things in my mind and created a reality too soothe me instead of dealing with the issues of growing up. Isn’t that growing up realizing it and trying to work on it? Not looking to get a gold star on my cubby but I think it’s something to be proud of.I might have just blamed parents, grandparents or anybody for my actions. That’s not growing up, that’s just not cool. Thank God, I realized this at 21 instead of 26. Next step is learning to drive a car before my next birthday! It’s all an experience and we’re suppose to grow from these experiences.

On a really happy note, Saturday afternoon, “Devon” came into our lives. She’s utterly adorable and super friendly compared to other female cats we’ve had in the past. I think she might be a bit confused about her gender, that’s ok, I’ll still have much love and admiration for my transgendered kitty cat. She’s perfect though, oh yeah she’s bi-racial. She’s black and white, and she coo’s and aahs. She snuggles up on me. She’s adorable and I love the fact that i got to name her Dev-uhn not Dev-ON(my middle name) two separate names, two separate sounds. I just wanna take her with me wherever I go cause she’s so cute with her little cute face.

Ok enough on that but yeah….Growing Up….Stop Being a Bitch…Accepting To Change The Things You Can…..Focusing On Being A Better You…..this is what we’ve got to do. The drama, the nonsense, cut the bullshit.